To be (there) or not to be (there) helicoptering

I was having a discussion with a relative of mine who has been a university professor for the past 22 plus years and she brought up the subject of a new type of college student and their "hovering" parent(s) that has become more prevalent, say in the past five years.  In fact it coincided with the rise of the cell phone and especially the smart phone (since 2007).  The parents are called helicopter parents.  Professors can always tell the students who are children of helicopter parents.

The term actually was coined  way back in 1969.  It does pertain more so to teenager or college age children, but it also can be used for parents of toddlers and small kids.  Here is a definition article on the term.  http://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/what-is-helicopter-parenting/  

I was quite surprised by the term and had never heard of it before.  I started to think about my own "Dadding" style.  The one sentence that got me concerned was the "always playing with and directing his/her behavior, allowing him zero alone time,...".  I recalled with our first child when it was my days at home with her, I never wanted her to be alone.  This was pre pre school, so she was less than 3 years old.  Sometimes I escaped to the kitchen from playing and piddled around in the kitchen making tea or cleaning up.  But then I would start to feel guilty that I was just trying to get away and I was leaving her alone, and get back to her.  I did not want her to be by herself unless she was napping.


Could I have been a helicopter parent?

In retrospect I think I might have been a bit of a helicopter with my first daughter.  But I think that came about because of other circumstance.  Namely that she wanted me or her Mother to be there.  She always loved playing with us.  I have to pat myself on the back and say I made up some pretty good play scenarios, like trip to the moon in a toy box and riding the horsey etc etc.

The second reason is that in my opinion it might occur naturally in her DNA to be a lower self esteem person.  In other words, perhaps it runs in the family and it is not because of any helicopters.  The ol nurture vs nature argument.  Its in her nature.  Now we have to try to NURTURE self confidence in her if this is true.  

And as the article states, making a 3 year old`s bed is not the same as making a 13 year old`s bed.  I will not be making her bed when she is 13.  Uh.... well, I will say that now anyway.

In the meantime she has matured and likes to do some things by herself AND still likes to play games with her parents.  I breathe a sigh of relief that I am not helicoptering, or even being a drone. 

There was less chance of being a hovering parent with her littler sister.  She always did what she wanted to do.  She has been doing jigsaw puzzles by herself since she was two.  At first she needs my help.  Afterwards she does it by herself.  She has six of them so far.  When I was sick in the last two

months (from this writing) and she was at home, I took a nice nap in the morning while she did all six puzzles.  (Well in fact I could have used a bit more rest, she still did them too quickly.)  If she wanted her parents to be there with her, she would ask us and direct us what to do exactly or play (same as her sister would do).  If she didn't, she would do her own thing.  I found that in the summer.  I was watching her older sister swimming and making sure she didn't go out too far and I realized her younger sister was gone and I started to panic.  But she was just up stairs playing in the sandbox because she didn't like swimming as much.

On the other hand she is a bit scared around new people and hangs around our legs and doesn't want us to leave.  She wants us to be there.  I try to oblige. I play it by ear.  I let my children direct me too.  I figure most of the time they know better whether they want me to be there or not to be there. I even say sometimes now, "No, you try it by yourself first."  

In the end, I say to myself, "Look", there are so many conditions and phobias and hang ups a child can acquire as they are growing up.  Unfortunately every child has to spend some of their adult life getting rid of the "demons" they got when they were a kid.  I don't think it can be avoided.  Lets just hope the time your child will have to spend to expunge the demons is minimal.  As a parent, all you can do is try to be aware of the pitfalls and do everything in moderation. As long as you are NOT  an alcoholic or drug addict or abuser.  If you stay away from those then the worst pratfalls are gone.  Avoiding all the other wrong doors we can open while bringing up children will be more like Indiana Jones avoiding all the death traps when he is stealing the treasure from the Temple of Doom, Right?  Except as mere mortals I think most of us are not going to make it through the Temple to retrieve the Golden Crown.  (Personally, I just hope I don't fall into the basement which has all the snakes in it.  "I hate snakes")     

I ll have to go back and study the other type of parents I should be aware of and not be.  I DON'T have to even consider the "bulldozer parent".  I wont even read the definition on that one.  It ain't me.