How I nearly lost my kids because of the Ramones.

I was sitting in the principals office of my oldest daughter just recently.  He was NOT my pal.   He was pacing the floor a bit in front of his desk. Two hefty men stood on each side of the desk.  Or perhaps I should classify them as "rugged".  He paced a bit more, then sat down.

"We aren't as stupid these days, Mr. --------- .  We know what Chinese rock is.  This isn't the 60s when officials didn't know what rock n roll was about.  Don't you think your daughter is just a bit too young, at 7 years old to go around singing `I'm living on a Chinese Rock.  Everything is in the pawn shop`?  Or, `this aint Havanna.  Do you like a banana?`   Mr. _____  you know these men are from the office of Children`s Rights and they can go to your home and even take your children away from you if they deem you are bringing up your children.... BADLY. "

As serious as the situation was,  an episode of the Simpsons was playing in my memory.   In it the Simpsons kids WERE taken away from Marge and Homer and given to the Ned Flanders to bring up.  I recalled a friend of mine who took in kids and I winced when I realized he was very Flanderesque and my two girls could wind up in his household.  Oh the pain of it all.

But I guess I should back track in time for you and tell you how this very serious situation came about.

Music is one of the most important aspects in my life.  The night before I was born my parents were playing quartets. The cello my Mother was playing, holding against me, must have vibrated me lovingly toward the beginning of life.  My job in my adult life has been in the music business, selling, distributing, marketing music.  Thus music and what is played and listened to at home is very important.  That said, I realize that not everything I play will be liked by others.  So I would rather play something that the whole family can enjoy.

Now when you have two young girls, they like repetitive music, something which is easily remembered with very catchy and happy melodies and lyrics.  Easy lyrics to hear and sing. (Nirvana would never please an under ten kid, not even adults understand Kurt Cobain`s mumbling lyrics. )   And of course kids will listen to that ten(s) times in the day, especially if it is a winter weekend day.

Then you have your wife who likes a melody and a "song".  Then you got your Dad who can take just about anything, but would rather listen to something faster with a good strong beat to keep his energy up and not fall asleep when he is playing the tenth game, this morning, of the memory game.  I just wanted everyone to be happy,  said my inner Salesman Being.  

My older girl`s English lesson CD songs were driving my wife crazy and starting to eat on me too.  "It¨s a house.  It`s a happy house. It`s a happy house for you and me", is the kind of thing when listened to ten times makes you want to do your Pete Townshend imitation and start smashing the Television and throwing things out the window. 


My wife`s Depeche Mode CDs, while I have nothing against them,  um..... shhhhh, shhhh, really I don`t, were too sad and sour for the kids.  They automatically yanked those.   I tried putting on Ben E King, you know, "when the lights de de dah,..  stand by me"  I could see was too slow for both the kids and me.  I thought it might be good, good repetitive lines, but too slow.  Too slow.  Reggae is not for kids either.  You ever see a small kid walking around scraping their feet looking zonked?  No, of course not.

Brazilian Beats 4 has been a seminal hit in our house for several years off and on.  I reintroduced it recently, to my wife`s frown.  The drum and bass tunes were starting to wear on Mommy after it had been playing every day a couple times for over a week.  The drum and bass DJ Marky and Infrared tunes, though several years old, kept me going.  Kids liked it too.  It remains a hit, but is back in the archives again (IE hidden by my wife).

Then on Sunday, I pulled out our two Ramones CDs.  "End of the Century" pictured above was an immediate hit with the kids.  There are so many classics there, great songs that you can sing along with on the refrains, you know,  "Rock rock rock rock rock n roll high school".  From the first drum beats of "Do you remember Rock n Roll Radio" to the last "High Risk Insurance", its a 38

 Music Producer Phil Spector

minute cup of coffee.  And it doesn't wear on you.  You can listen to it 5 times a day every day and it stays fresh. It doesn't get you antsy and make you want to throw it out the window.  It was produced by Phil Spector so it has that 50s rock and roll, pop sound, but speeded up by the Ramones so that Daddy AND Mommy stay awake and even dance. It is  fast and  poppy and catchy for the kids.  It covers all the bases for the whole family.  You wouldn't know how difficult that is unless you are or were a parent.  Really.  I`m not joking.  It`s an accomplishment.  

The only problem is the Ramones, being the punk product that they are of New York City 1970, write about everyday things and school and well, Dee Dee was a heroin addict for a great amount of his life, so there is that.   As a result you have the song "Chinese Rock"  which is a type of heroin and being addicted and selling all your valuable stuff so that you can "cop some rock".  Although let it be known that Dee Dee wrote it in 1975 but it got rejected by the Ramones as being TOO OBVIOUS.  It was only when it became a hit with the Heartbreakers that the Ramones took it back and put it on their 1980 album.

Thus the refrain, "I`m living on Chinese Rock.  All my best things are in hock.  I`m living on Chinese Rock.  Everything is in the pawn shop" has got to be the most catchy part of the whole album.  (Note, I gather if my blog were read by a serious amount of people I would have to ask permission to reprint these lyrics, but it isn't, so I haven't, but it was written by Dee Dee Ramone with some help from Richard Hell).  Rather a witty refrain about having to sell everything because you have a bad monkey on your back.  Also a warning to all.

And we played it over and over, and over once again. And then again.   So that by the middle of the school week  the principal called me up and into his office and these sharp dressed men were there too.  I was not crazy about them.  They definitely were not punk.

"Your daughter is singing this refrain over and over AND teaching it to all the students"

 "Mr. ------ , teaching seven year olds songs about drugs is not the reputation we want to have.  Has your daughter asked you what Chinese rock is and if so what did you say?"

"I told her it was a bad sort of food that some people eat and when they eat it, they want more and more and it drives them crazy so that they sell all their things in order to get this food and eat it."

I lied big time.  I said nothing of the sort to her.  I told her that it was a small rock or island near China in the ocean with very few people or no people living on it.  I did tell her what a pawn shop was truthfully.  But I had to tell the Child Care people the "correct" answer.

Needless to say they were impressed with my answer.   I knew they would be.  In fact if I could have read their minds I am pretty sure they were contemplating having me teach sex education to the under ten year olds.  They were having trouble finding a teacher to do that.

"Well, Mr. -----, couldn't`t we ask you to change slightly your music content at home so it is more "child friendly".

"You don¨t like our music, eh Mr. Principal?"

This comment made me feel like Sideshow Bob in the Simpsons again when he shudders at the thought of Bart and plans Bart`s death.  They had no idea how many hours I had spent searching for the right music for everyone, big deal about the lyrics.  And how finding just the right music was an epiphany worthy of gold, or at least corn on the cob.

"I will try my best gentlemen."

I lied again, but everyone in the room gave a collective sigh.  Sometimes censorship and lying has its place.  I really wanted to tell the principal that he better not be playing probably more than half of his music collection then to his kids, including the Beatles, not even the early Beatles.  But, I thought there was no point to it.  He might come to the same conclusion.  I am just glad he didn't tell me to play some "good" music for my children like Justin Bieber or Nickelback.  Then I would have been sent to jail for aggravated assault.    

"I am sorry sir,  I have an awfully important meeting at my other daughter`s pre school, have we come to a satisfactory conclusion?"

The principal gave me a concerned look, but said, "yes,... we have"

I really had to run to get to that appointment.  I was told the police were waiting for me along with the teachers. It seems my younger daughter was pogoing all over classroom and teaching others how to do it and singing Chinese Rock over and over.  And if I didn't give a good explanation to the teachers, the police might put me in jail for teaching my daughter reckless, bad behavior and spreading it to the rest of the classroom.

I ran out of the school humming the music and lyrics that had been going through my head because we had been listening to the other CD over and over, "The KKK took my baby away, they took her away, away from me"...