Action vs Laissez Faire

Even though it is the end of the school year I have learned my lesson and do not say anything to my teenage daughter when she is in a hurry in the morning and putting on her make up.  

"It s 8.10 am,"  (she has to be in school by 8.30, 15 minutes away hustling it a bit.). "Leave me alone and just call the elevator!"  

Admittedly it has taken me years to learn to tell my daughters the time ONLY when they ask me. In fact I am not sure I have even learned it yet.  I get antsy and nervous myself when the time is getting late and they have to get to school.  

"It 8.12 now." 

This is the conundrum.  

If you try to help, it is only seen as nagging.  Granted it might depend on how you say it, but I think in many cases even this would not matter.  "Daughter, its 8.12 now"  would garner the remark "leave me alone, I am hurrying" in any tone of voice.  Admittedly,  "trying to help" often just turns into pushing them to get moving and get something done.  But what I just told my older daughter again yesterday, was that her brain is a mess right now and she may not pick the good or logical choice.  Therefore I have to point things out to her, bad choices and maybe it is time to change. I told her, "You have been watching on the telephone for at least 4 hours now, if not more and I think no matter if it is Saturday at the beginning of vacation, that is enough and you should stop."  C'mon 6 hours on the stupid telephone either watching or playing games is not a good choice.  I was only there to point this out and push her to action to do something else.  BUT it only got me yelled at.  "So, now you have the right to control my life and tell me what to do?"   Well yes, but mainly I only want to point out a bad choice you are making.  I might have to point this out in other areas too, but in general it is mostly with phone time."  But it was seen as nagging.  Right or wrong.  

So this is the conundrum.  That I am the father and should give fatherly help and advice to my children, especially when they are in a "brain fog" time when their brain is not necessarily going to "do the right thing".   But my help or advice is merely viewed as more nagging and control over them that they reject it and even yell back at you.  The "help" becomes counter productive because perhaps they will just do the opposite of what you ask.  This is not some power grab from myself trying to feel appreciated.  I dont need power over my children. But unfortunately it is probably seen as that from them, maybe sometimes. 

 But the opposite is to sit back and do nothing, laissez faire style.  Let them make the decision or action right or wrong.  

The problem with this from experience is that nothing happens.  So, you dont get a clean room, they dont get their work done, or at the very last moment full of panic and demands for help from you or mother.  You may ask, at what point do they realize that they have a total mess in their room or bed and they better clean it up.  Answer is, never.  Seriously.  

Unless they get bed bugs crawling in their bed, they are not going to stop eating

pizza and potato chips in their bed.  Any nagging on your part will either be rejected or finish by you pulling them to the kitchen to eat their pizza and declaring sternly, "no pizza in bed, no chips.  No more".  One or the other.  

This is the naked truth which I think parents have to realize.  You have to decide for yourself, parent, which direction you will go. Or, as the case may be, you can choose one way sometimes, and the other way other times.  However, this might end with a lack of respect from your kids that you really dont mean it and if they dont do anything, nothing will happen.  Or even them waiting to see which direction you will go this time, the forceful one or the laissez fair path.  And they will understand to wait for it in the future.   

I am sorry. I have no resolutions or answers or results.  You will have to choose yourself.  This is disturbing for me, let me tell you. 

We have to see What it is about

I guess it is easier for me to do this because listening to new music is my job.  BUT, I have said several times, maybe not yet in a post in this blog, but here now,  that listening to new music helps keep you younger.  When you open yourself up to new things and new sounds and you dont get caught in your own box... well, quite often I am caught in my own box,  BUT not when it comes to music.  

So naturally I want to ask my 15 year old daughter what new music is out there and what she is listening to.  She counts herself as one of the smartest most expansive hip hop listeners in our area.   So of course I will ask her what is new and good. Not only does it help me keep up to date on that scene, but I enjoy talking about music and so does she. I think, even though she will still call me stupid about it, it makes her feel good that I ask her.  Maybe, maybe not.  

Granted, I am not such a hip hop fan as I used to be. I was listening to the second wave of hip hop with Public enemy and De La Soul and Boogie down Productions. But in the 90s I got away from it and started listening and selling more of the new branches of punk. 

In the last two years or so, I recognize that hip hop itself is entering its 4th or 5th wave of popularity.  I have to admit I hadnt even heard of guys who are huge and have been around for ten years or so like Tyler the Creator and Future maybe.  

Now in the past month or two I have been actively trying to increase my knowledge and selection of hip hop artists.  I didnt want to get Cardi B because.... um... from what I heard I didnt think I would like anything about her.  But I did.  I ll listen.  I like Tyler.  Sometimes he is too cheesy and more RnB than hip hop, but he walks the line, he straddles the fence, just as De La Soul did.   

But see that is really the connection I want to make between me discovering new younger music and a way toward more peace in the world. Huh? You are going to say.  But listen listen. 

  We have to keep wanting to discover and keep ourselves open to new experiences and ways of life.  Otherwise we just close ourselves off more and more and live in our closedgate community. Not only that but we understand other people less and their ways AND we don't understand why they can't see things our way.  

Then we are just two tribes warring against each other to establish our own views and way of life on the other.  Think about it.  Where is that happening in the world? 

It isn't as difficult as it used to be.  In the past we WERE little enclaves fighting each other and the people in the next town over were our biggest rivals and bigger cities farther away might as well have been another planet.  

But in these days we can see what is up in other countries on the other side of the planet with the click of a button.  Granted, I think it is rather shallow and lacks depth and understanding, but, we dont see them as from another planet.  

When you can first a)recognize differences OR similarities, then b)acquiesce or understand them then c)empathize with them or at least have nothing against them.... then, then I think we are getting someplace.  

It doesnt have to be music. Music is the easiest for me.  It can be food or culture or religion even.  

And all this can start with you listening and paying attention more to what your kids are into.  If you can see what's up with your kids and what they are into, then it is an easy step to check out whats happening in other societies and other places in the world.  

One person, one step at a time, peace can be achieved.  A.B.C

 

I recommend any of Tyler, the Creators last albums: