It is getting into August and I skipped writing all July. Why? I was on vacation and having a great time being a friend and a dad. Great time. So I missed July. I had this idea since the beginning of July and a couple other themes I will write about now in quick succession to make up for the lack of 2 articles in July.
I live in another culture from what I grew up in. Many times I have heard and a friend has heard comments directed to us from the new "home" culture that we treat our children differently. We treat them with some abandon and let them be wild. For instance, when my friend was in a hospital with his children a nurse looked at him with scorn, and said "HERE, we do not let our children run amok in a hospital". In fact the kid had just run from a room to his father. No biggie to my friend, but I guess it was a serious lapse for the nurse.
So, now my daughter is 15 and i want to do the right thing. But what is the right thing? I guess that is the 60 000 euro question.
Initially last year I let my daughter go to a couple concerts and have friends sleep over. She also slept over at a friend's house. That somehow got the ire and fire of my wife upon me and she of the native culture said I was doing it all wrong and destroying our daughter.
Now, in retrospect I have to say I WAS a bit lax at the time and I should have said, "no" some more. But I was trying to treat her like an adult. I always do that. I do nag, but I want to say, "look, you be responsible and you can do that."
I guess the problem was she wasnt responsible. OR, she wasnt ready to be responsible. OR, that teen agers are never responsible.
Other parents have voiced concern about letting their daughters stay out late even when the daughter is 18. "I couldnt sleep until my daughter came back. Luckily it was only midnight when she did," said the father of an 18 year old. And another Father: "My sons are usually home by 10 pm. There is no public transportation later, so they have to come back, or I have to pick them up, which they dont want, so they come home not so late."
On the other hand, one father told me that he let his daughter stay over at a friend's house. If they arent home in the evening by 10pm then he knows they are sleeping over. And another father said his daugther was responsible and didnt drink or smoke and she stayed over at friends' houses on the weekend. But she was responsible.
Ok, so there are different models. Sounds good.
But then my daughter started staying out till 1 - 2am in the summer. My daughter said, "dad, its summer." I wasnt so sure it was a good idea even in the summer. The father of the sons who came home by 10pm criticized me and said, my daughter would be a mother pretty soon and that ... that staying out till 1am was a bit much. Even past midnight was bad.
But it was the summer and there was little i could do as my wife let the daughter stay out too. But it did worry me. I didnt think it was really the right thing to do. Sadly, I have to admit that I didnt think my daughter was responsible enough to allow this. But I was leaving for vacation. It was up to my wife, and, she allowed it.
What in fact happened was my wife had a fight with my daughter and my daughter ended up staying with her friend for an extended amount of time. Otherwise, if I had been home, I think I would have said she had to be home by midnight, but my daughter wouldnt have paid attention to that. Dont think I am ineffectual, just that type where as a result of treating them like adults, they take a mile where I was hoping that they would only take a yard.
Look, its a lose lose proposition. By the time they are in middle teens, they resent most all of what their parents ask of them. So, either you let them do what they want to do, or you put your foot down and dont let them do what they want, but they find a way to do it anyway. We have to hope for a degree of responsibility, but when it isnt there, we have to sensitively put our foot down.
It is always a matter of degrees and give and take. Parents have to let up some, but teen agers have to understand that responsibility is expected of them. Which they probably dont. 2am is too late, but if you say midnight or 10 pm, they are going to stretch that. And if you put a curfew on them... its counter productive. Then they really want to get away from you and they end up staying the whole night at their friends house and who knows if they came there at midnight or 4am.
Lose lose.
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