I read that "corona virus divorce" was a trending subject in Japan. But a small look at the number of articles and the places they are coming from is not confined to Japan, though they may have it the worst. Here is just a sampling of articles, here, and here.
This is terrible. It really depresses me. What is the problem?
Well as one wag said in one of the articles, if time apart from each other increases our love for our spouse, then so much time TOGETHER decreases our love for each other. In other words the more time we are cooped up with each other, the more we hate each other.
I can understand this. The little things start to grate on your nerves, the little BAD things and then you start adding up and painting the picture and digging the hole you are going to dig and it keeps getting worse. "Oh, it makes sense they are so dirty because look at all the things they do which just exemplifies that they are a pig". And you list on your fingers this this and this. And then this this and this too. It becomes too much, overwhelming.
But this is fake. Its like a bad outing where you keep laying on more and more stress on the trip, oh my god, what are my parents going to say when they have to pick me up from the hospital? They will hate me. They will ask what is going on and keep me away from my family members. They will get a doctor for me and.... you dig yourself deeper and deeper see. But only stressing the bad. Thats what we are doing when we look at our spouse and hate them. The picutre is made up only of their bad traits. And of course you can't stand them then. The whole picture you have painted of them is only dark colours. That 's not fair.
Also sadly, it was mentioned in one of the articles, that people today are "used to" divorce. It doesnt have an "OMG divorce" stigma that it used to, say before 50 to 70 years ago. Today, it is like, "I don't like you anymore, I want to divorce you" which was also stated in one of the above linked articles. Is that superficial or what?
It has to be a process. There has to be a weighing over the matter. Please, realize that your first impulses are usually very superficial and over emotional. I am reading a wonderful book now, on, well, sleep which says that the age old adage "sleep on it " makes a lot of sense. Not only do we cool off some and dont let our emotions control us, but we re assess and our brain sorts things out more rationally in our sleep. The next day you can have a change of heart. Of course till you see how dirty your spouse is again.
Thats when we need to do more work on it.
What I would like to do at this point is to outline the plan for hopefully changing the course of events.
1. When you say to yourself "enough is enough, I can't take it anymore" no. Take a nap and sleep on it and say, "Yes I CAN take more". This is the positive and the alternate is the negative. It is not the low point (unless you have domestic abuse which I am not talking about in this article). And, yes you can take more.
2. The next step is to DIPLOMATICALLY discuss. One reason I think Barack Obama was one of the greatest presidents was he wanted to discuss. That is a big part of democracy. That is a big part of human relations. Or it should be. If you are overly emotional, or start to go off the hook whenever you start to discuss the matter then you really have to find someone who can mediate. And mind you , this doesnt have to be a professional. It can be a mutual friend who maybe knows the goods and bads of both of you. Put them between you and your spouse and have them not allow harsh words or rising tempers. The point being.... TALK. But talk, dont yell or shout or get out of hand. THAT is not discussion.
3. The mother of all inventions in ALL relationships, be they marital, or between the US and China is COMPROMISE. This is actually harder than one thinks. There are so many people, and even cultures who dont compromise well. They only think winning is the be all, and compromise is not winning. This is a shame, but I have seen whole cultures who just can not get their heads around the idea of compromise, as it it is foreign concept and non existent in their lexicon. Which in fact, who knows, maybe it isnt a part of many cultures. I guess compromise is not the lexicon of the hard nose, the arrogant or "winner". It is not a "save face" It is a lose face. That is why it is so difficult. Maybe what makes it even more difficult is that compromise has to be a give in. Many people can not do this. It may seem like a weakness. I understand this and know this makes it even more difficult to achieve. Maybe even that you need a "weaker" person in the argument who is willing to compromise a bit. If you have two hard heads battling it out, you are going to need a third mediator who is going to have to say, "ok, give in a little". Compromise is in effect Jesus accepting his death sentence when he probably could have run away before they took him away. I may be exaggering, but if you are strong enough to compromise, then you will get far. Probably farther than you would if you didnt compromise.
When things fall apart, is that better for you? Is that winning? Is divorce a progression in your life propelling you forward? Is starting over where you want to be or is it progression?
It doesn't seem so to me.
Think about it.
You want to go back to square one after you got so far in life?
It's been a tough time this year with the pandemic. I personally have lost most of my working pay and nearly lost my home life. Other people have lost much more. At this writing there are some 3.7 million worldwide who have had the disease or have it. Some half a million have died. The U.S. topping all lists in all of these matters. And yet, or because of it, we can reassess ourselves and see what needs to be done and what needs to be done better. That is always the case, but maybe many times we are either too lazy or too complacent in our regular lives to realize that and do something about it. Sometimes something or somebody has to kick us hard to make us move. I know that for myself. But we have to move along with the people who have followed us here to this point in life. The people who matter, the people who are staying with you. You have to polish yourself and progress in your life WITH THEM.
I hope so for you and for me.
Get a good night sleep tonight. 8 hours.