Dr Doolittles pushmi-pullyu llama daddy

Remember the movie with Rex Harrison doing the adaptation of that great kids book "Dr. Doolittle", the doctor who could talk to animals (by Hugh Lofting)?  And remember in that movie the push me pull you llama? The two headed llama with one head on each end?  I think there was a line in the movie in which they said it has trouble knowing which way it is going because one head wants to go this way, and the other a different direction.    

Right now, it is similar for me. I dont know which way I am going, forward or backward.  I keep trying to push myself forward, but something just keeps pulling me backward and I dont know if I am getting worse or better. Obviously going forward is better and getting pulled back is worse. 

A couple examples.  

I went with the family last weekend to the small cabin my wife is renting up in the mountains.  It went very well except I did not swim as much as I should have. I regret that.   But at any rate, it was fine, I swam with one daughter later on and bought them lots of whatever drinks and the floating mattress.  It was a fine sunny day. And also the next day was very nice.  We worked on building a stone bridge to cross a small stream. The girls had been working on it on a different weekend too. My older daughter loves that. I helped a little. I got a big rock here and there.  The water was so so cold but I stood in it and worked and even got used to it.  Like the opposite of a hot yoga.  A cold cold stream yoga.  Point being that both days were nice family days where I was there and welcomed and everybody was together happily.  Hot days.  

This weekend I am alone again.  I dont know what happened.  Well I knew for many weeks that my daughters were going on a canoeing trip. But I didnt know at all that my wife was going too. I thought we would have a couple weekend together.  But here I am Saturday night, alone, trying to get things done.  How DIDNT I know that my wife was going with them?  A simple calendar with the date and who was going would have worked. Why dont I have a calendar? What is pushing me NOT to hang up a calendar that we can use to write down activites and who is going where?  

Number 2. All during lockdown, I made a list for myself of important things I had to get done.  And I worked dilligently on them.  Even after my job opened up again in May I worked with the list. I plodded along and did accomplish.  So why now do things start to fall apart? I have to finish the last two things from that list. I have to follow up on them and do the last step organizing them. Instead I go back to my procrastination ways and stutter and dont get to them and DONT GET THEM DONE.   What gives? What is there inside my body that holds me back and perhaps scares me to accomplish them?  Some sort of freaky anxiety?  

Well, it isnt to say that I was doing nothing.  I got new goods practically every day this last week and I had to count them, write them down on the computer as new items etc.  Some goods came Friday and it was a lot and I got it all done on Friday and Saturday.  BUT, I didnt get to those other things that I have to finish.  One is getting a new computer. I have to send back some specs of what I need or some picutres.  Why dont I?  It has to be in the DNA.  The irrational, anxiety DNA or the fight or flight DNA in which getting things done would be the fight and running away and not doing them would be the flight. Flight seems to be happening.  I believe in the DNA composition of people more and more these years.  

I made progress during lockdown with some things i have been wanting to do for many years now:  a) I Nearly finished one of my books and b) I started practicing again and playing jazz violin.  

unfortunately not me

This weekend I thought I would practice Friday night. I didnt. Saturday morning. I didnt. I DID finally practice 30 minutes on Saturday night.  Sunday. Sunday I will practice more.  Will I?  

One recent weekend I was alone. I wrote for two days on my novel and got a good ways to the finish.  I mean I was surprised I got that far and there isnt much left to do.  I can get it done.  I can get it done..I keep saying.  Several weeks later and no more progress.  Nothing more.  

If you want to accomplish and move forward, you really have to do it every day. Even a small amount, but you have to schedule time nearly every day. I just cant push myself to do it like that.  It is such a push and pull. Some force has taken over in my body and is dragging it backward while I try to push my self forward.  Who is it? Get out. Rewire my brain. Fight it.  Dont flight from it.  

There are many many more examples I could give, but suffice to say it seems to be seeping into all parts of my life.   its all too much.  Such a push and pull that has me standing in place when the day, the week, the month is over.  Oh so tired from just standing in place because of the extreme push and pull.  

I dont know what the answer is.  Some people know how to push themselves forward, all the time, or maybe they just have better DNA.   Some people go forward too fast and hurt other people in the process.  Not me.  I stay in place very quickly and hurt myself and others in this manner. Its not fun getting so tired not getting anywhere fast. 

I can definitely say that Dr. Doolittles push me pull you llama exists. It exists inside of me.  Maybe it exists inside of you too? Isnt it awful?  

While writing I listened to my favorite Jazz violinist. I just "re bought" one of his albums.  Jean Luc Ponty.  I bought Civilized Evil.  

Steve Jobs in Hell : Dad against mobile (cell) phones and gadgets part II

 

photo creation Antoine Geiger

I am going to start out with a hyperbolic rant:  Mobile phones suck.  They make parenting no fun and ruin a lot of things. (Like all these people looking at their mobile phones in a museum. W.T.F.? 

This just finished weekend as anecdotal evidence.  I had to get up "early"  to play Monopoly.  Well, ok, I told my girls "dont wake me up before 9am because i need some good sleep". I just got my first shot of Moderna vaccination this last week and it tired me out and gave me such a pain in my arm that I had to take off my Saturday work and rest.  So sleep till 9am.  And dont get me wrong, I absolutely love playing Monopoly with my daughters.  I think it is one of the best things to do with kids inside the house.  But having the bed covers pulled off of me dampens my enthusiasm.   

But what does my older daughter start to do after we had started playing?  She starts watching her mobile phone.  During Monopoly.  She watches in between her turns.  This made me angry.   She said it was only going to be for 55 minutes as she wanted to watch the boards of Formula 1 racing.  Ach du Lieber.  I said she couldnt do that, she had to concentrate on one thing and that was all of us playing Parker Brothers Monopoly.  

She said, then she wouldnt play.  She had me. I was going to say, "ok, just me and my other daughter will play" but then I thought, oh, its better to have her play while glancing at her mobile instead of totally lying on the couch and just watching her mobile phone and doing nothing else.  So I let her.  Very reluctantly.  

But then since her sister got to watch her mobile when it wasnt her turn, my younger daugther got the ipad and started playing brawl video game in between her turns.  This made me angrier, but all she said was, "if she gets to look at her mobile, I get to play on the ipad."  It was quickly becoming no fun.  In fact they wanted to go to jail and stay there for three turns just so they could watch F1 or play video games in between.  It just wasnt fun for me, but I continued. I would rather have been doing something else myself, like doing the dishes, or making a tea.   The only good thing about it, was my younger daughter never looked at the board so when we landed on her properties we didnt say anything and didnt pay and she lost a lot of money not paying attention.  You do realize the unwritten rule is that if a property owner doesnt notice that another  person is on the property then the other person doesnt have to pay once they have left the property.   It doesnt matter though, she will probably end up winning anyway.  

Can you believe that?  Wanting to stay in jail, just you can play video games while you are in jail?   Ferocious.  

The electronic gadgets are a continual source of friction between us the parents and the kids in this household, AS I have a feeling they are across much of the world in many many millions of households.  I hate Steve Jobs.  People say he was a genius.  I say he has wrecked more homes and made parenting THAT much harder in our modern life.  Tim Cook doesnt have any kids so he probably doesnt know or give a damn either.   A curse on both of them. I hope Steve Jobs is wallowing around in the black tars of Hell being whipped with fire all day by red devils. I love to imagine his screams coming from Hell.   "But but but, how can you do this to me? I invented the iphone."  "Exactly," says the red devil and continues whipping him with a sea of fire.  Maybe even Johnny Cash is doing the whipping.  (Then they ll burn burn burn, in the sea of fire, in the sea of fire)

There really isnt a day that goes by that we dont have to yell at them or control their use of the cell phones.  I mean, the logical person will say, well limit their time on the gadgets.  Sure.  But the thing is a. you can say ok, an hour of TV a day, 2 hours of video games a day, but they are both on the same gadget, so the kids can just say, " I have half an hour left of my TV time" and continue playing video games in actuality.  b. They often have to do homework on the gadgets, so if you will yell at them they will yell back, "Im doing my homework".  And then what are going to do? Sit over them and watch while they do their homework.  You cant turn the internet off because then they cant do their homework.  Or my wife is also using a gadget to do some business work.  It just gets very complicated to limit the gadgets or turn them off.  Although I have done that in the past when my wife wasnt at home.  Then I would have to do other things too.  But it is worth it to me that they are limited in their time.  If there is a way of blocking or limiting ALL TV you tube and video games while still allowing them to use the gadget to do their homework, I would be interested in this.  

As it stands now, it is a continual battle of parents against the gadgets.  And if you tell them no TV or games, well then they yell at you, " I am listening to music, I am listening to spotify".  And well, is that one so terrible?  Difficult.  Difficult  Or else my daughter has told me, "I am watching National Geographic tv channel"  and what are you going to do? Turn that one off too?  She has me by the neck I tell you.  I really wish she would put it down and take up reading again.  I yelled at her to do that today and she read her Simpsons comic book for ten minutes.  Ach mein Gott.  

In the end, I just have to deal with the conflict.  I guess it is part of the modern family.  No beating or whipping, but yelling to stop playing video games.  And push my younger daughter to stop watching her sit coms on the cell phone.  Oy.  

Well all I can hope for is the eternal damnation of Steve Jobs.  

"And this one is for ruining Max s weekend Monopoly game with his daughter, Jobs"                                      "Ahhhhhhhhh".   

I didnt listen to anything while I was writing this one.  I wanted perfect concentration.