Christmas : I get it. Two sides to the coin.

 It is really a 50 50 coin toss.  I am talking about my teenage daughter.  I mostly stay calm (unless it is a school night and it is after 11pm and she still isnt close to ready for bed. ).  I guess there are two sides to that coin.

On one side,  I dont get angry or am not terribly bothered by her behavior.  Basically she only thinks of herself.  And a lot of that is because of the development of the prefrontal cortex in the forebrain.  It controls your, "planning, prioritizing and  decision making" and is basically the little kid screaming "me me me" until it develops and is able to act rationally and make better decisions. Such as, it is not too good to just live on McDonalds and potato chips. Or, making the decision that you should really get better sleep than between 3.30 am and 1pm every day.  Granted it is Christmas vacation, but we should get back on a schedule that fits what you have to do.  Right now the cortex in the front is going haywire, from what I understand, and there is a lot of irrationality and anger even.  So, I try to stay calm and say, this is not how she will be when she is 23 or 26 years old.  It is the last section of the brain to mature. 

On the opposite side of the coin, it is in fact exactly what a parent should be doing by guiding that irrationality and trying to steer the person back into "safe" waters. In fact the parent has to be the one who says, "well living on potato chips and McDonalds is not really a good thing, even for a week".  We still have to say, "You are acting irrational and I think it would be best if we changed these things so you dont destroy yourself or become sick in some way and even stay healthy."   

N.Wallenda across Niagara

AND you have to do that without upsetting the irrational brain (the teenager) and make them run away screaming "I hate you telling me how and when to do everything.  Clean my room, do my homework, eat fruits, get to sleep on time, nag nag nag".   It is a tightrope wire  to walk.  

I got mad at my daughter before Christmas for something I really really was disgusted about and I yelled, "You go back and take care of it.  You have to know the difference or we have to teach you the difference between right and wrong and this is very wrong, so go back and fix it"  And she yelled at me as if I was the bad one for yelling at her.  But I couldnt take it lightly.  I had to make sure that she knew for sure this was a "wrong".  Also I didnt want people saying, "well it was the parents fault because they didnt teach her the difference between right and wrong". No siree Bob.  For the record, what she did was wrong and I told her so.  And she said, "yeah yeah yeah, I ll take care of it".  I hope she did.  

And another thing. 

When I got a really nice pair of pajamas for Christmas, I really needed them, I said, "thanks a lot GUYS (referring to both my daughters) for giving them to me. I really needed them and they are nice."   And in a minute my younger daughter asked me why I had said "guys" plural.  Oh.  It was just you who got them for me? My 12 year old.  My older daughter didnt get me anything.  She probably didnt get anybody anything.  Her mother gave her an electric guitar, I will give her a legal piercing when she wants it and I got her an MF DOOM LP.  It s not like she got coal in her stocking and her parents are the Grinch who stole (her) Christmas.  Christmas still came and she made out well but didnt contribute much herself, if anything to others.  

I get it though.  I am not upset.  Again, its her "me me me, I am the important one here" cortex brain in the lead thinking about herself and not others.  Sometimes even adults have problems thinking of others over themselves.  It is a tough case.  So she is a teen ager.  I got a nice pair of pajamas, I gave myself two CDs and a new pair of walking boots I needed for any more snow and a box of instant coffeees (from my worker) which I drink every day.  I really dont need much. I have everything and in more than enough amounts.  Its ok.  Seriously for the rest of the year I dont have to get myself anything (maybe one more pair of pants) and I can concentrate on disappearing my debt.   So, its ok daughter. 

Well.... sort of.  Mostly.  

I am a bit hurt to tell you the truth on the other side of the coin.  I mean even my worker got me a ten pack of instant coffee. It was a really nice gesture.  Couldnt my daughter have at least gotten me something small?  A big bag of potato chips or a chocolate bar?  Just some notice that she tried and she thought of me for five minutes and thought, "boy, he might like this."  I know she doesnt have much money (because if she has it she is buying herself McDonalds and potato chips) but I would have settled for a very small token gift even.   One day she could have forgone her potato chips and gotten her old man a small gift for Christmas.  

But I get it .... mostly.  She just isnt thinking of others right at this juncture.  I have to lightly guide her through and make comments and footnotes to her behavior and her lifestyle.  And Christmas is about the spirit and not about the gifts even if our modern world has made the giving of physical gifts the center of Christmas.   Its not.  

So there are two sides to the coin. And while one side may be the better and more rational, understanding and forgiving,  there is also the other side which is more hurt and a bit of pain.  

But, it will be better next year, or the year after that.  I m ok with it.  Mostly.  

Respect and Responsilbility for the new year  2024.  Hopefully more happiness and joy than pain and hurt.   But there will be all of them.   

These moments, few and far between

 It is great to have a teen age daughter when they arent complaining.  A couple moments happen once in a while when you just sit and listen and think, "wow, this is really nice".   I guess maybe it happens more when you get together after they are grown adults and you sit and have a coffee or breakfast with them, but that is after the times are gone. And that is probably once in six months if that.  

When you are all at home living together, there arent actually many moments when your teenagers will be sitting with you and talking to you. Maybe with Dad less.  Maybe with mom more.  I have had a couple when mom isnt at home and is away for the weekend. 

But two weeks ago I was pleasantly surprised when everyone was home and we were finishing dinner and it was just me and my teen age daugther and she suddenly had the urge to talk to me about every kid in her class.  She told me how she relates to every pupil and why they were friends or why they werent friends.  I found that very nice, to say the least. 

"What happened to your really good friend who slept over here a lot last spring?" I asked her.  

"Oh we had a falling out because she really thought I was doing crystal meth which I am not." 

Oh.  Um..... Well anyway it was really nice hearing about every student in her class.  I just sat there and listened quietly.  In fact I felt at peace.  

Its not that we dont have conversations, but in fact it is very difficult sometimes to get a teenager (daugther) to open up for a conversation.   Most of the time, it is more like "fine". "yes" "no, not really".  Or even the total anti conversation maker, "No, I am not going to discuss any of that. I dont want to"    

I guess mostly when I want to have a conversation, she doesnt.  She clams up and takes her meal to her bed or bugs me and looks at her telefon during dinner which is against the law here.  

I guess that is the answer which I have to abide by.  When she wants to have a conversation, she will open up and start talking.  I just have to play by her rules and let her pick her time for a conversation. If I want to talk over dinner, I might often not get it.  It is tough sometimes sitting quietly at dinner.  Dinner was always lively and loud when I was growing up and there was no end of conversation. I miss that.  But its not like I can force it upon them. I have to let them start speaking when they want to.  

(not my daughter)

If I start with a "how was school" and I get an "eh, it was ok" "boring", end of conversation, then that is what I have to accept.  I get it. I dont like the quiet, but thats that.  

To be totally contradictory, in fact as I was writing this post, my daughter came into the kitchen where I am writing. She has covid right now unfortunately, and mostly stays in bed.  But she had to get onto the conversation of some goods we got from a fairplay store or something like a goodwill store maybe.  I cant explain it. Anyway, there were these religious sayings on the goods and it creeped me out a bit. It felt like I let the 7th day adventists into my house to sell me goods and their goods did the talking instead of the people.  My daughter started yelling at me that religious sayings are on lots of stuff and I shouldnt be creeped out.  "Let there be light" is kind of a ubiquitous saying.  Still it made me feel uncomfortable.  And she got on me that i was anti educational.  How that got me tagged as anti educational is beyond me. I told her in half joking half real tone, "please go away". touche.   

i guess I cant always have my cake and eat it too.  These perfect conversations are few and far between.  

I was listening and reading about Husker Du all weekend again. One of my favorite all time bands.  This album first blew me away when I was 15.  Just..... whoa...  My teenage daughter is 15 now. I wonder if she will get blown away by an album this year.  Or something on Spotify,  Yeah right.