My kids have changed over the last couple months. In fact just since the end of summer. My wife noticed it too. It seems they have discovered something new. And it is quite obvious what it is. My kids have discovered.... how to fight.
I mean, they kick at each other and pull each others hair and sometimes bite a bit harder than they should. Where does this come from and what am I doing about this as a concerned at home part time father?
My wife doesn't understand it as she was an only child, so she didn't fight with anyone besides her parents. And she says to me sometimes now that she thinks about it and thinks she lashes out at me, sometimes with a very harsh tongue, because she never had this fighting period when she was young.
I was walking down the street the other day and I saw the younger of two boys, maybe 4 or 5 get behind his older brother and tweak his hair or neck. This set the older boy off kicking the younger kid and running after him. The younger boy shouting with glee. The Mother said, "enough"! And something to the extent of, `I m going to let you walk home by yourself unless you stop. Enough`. I saw all this in under ten seconds while I was walking toward them and then past them. I had to laugh because I knew they might stop now, but it would start up again. And that I could see this type of behavior between siblings ten times a day if I watched closer.
And I have a bit of experience with it as I had several siblings and my older siblings fought with each other and I fought with my sister closest in age. I do regret now that when we made a very long drive in the summer my poor Father had to put up with me and my sister teasing and fighting each other in the car. I recall that I often did start these sessions. My Father would take it for a while and then yell at us, which got us quiet... for a bit.
So where does this come from? You know, articles say it may come from different needs of each child and competition and jealousy with siblings. But you know what? I never recall feeling jealousy or fighting for my mother or fathers attention when I was 4 or 6. You know what I think?
It is just fun to fight. That's all.
Therapists and behavior scientists are trying to say, it teaches you this, it is an expression of this... when the small lion cubs fight with each other, it is in preparation for learning to fight in the jungle. Bull sugar. It is just fun. Plain and simple. It is fun to tease and get the other person riled up and get their goat and then get into a small hitting match. We never would hit in the face, just in the stomach or something. We weren't trying to really hurt each other. Well, I can only talk for myself, not my sister, but I certainly enjoyed fighting with her.
Was it used as some outlet or learning skill? Maybe, but I have no idea really. As far as I recall then and now, it didn't teach me a dmn thing. I was just having fun, kind of like sliding down a hill of snow or sliding on the bare floor without shoes on. Just fun.
What am I doing about it as a part time stay at home Father? NOTHING.
In one article I read, it said: DONT GET INVOLVED And that is my policy too. I set up rules for fighting. I tell them, never hit to the head or squeeze the head. In fact don't do anything with each others heads or eyes. The head is just too important for anything to happen to it, I say. No attacks on the head. No biting, I say to one girl. My wife made a rule that if one girl bites too hard, we let the other bite back just as hard. Try not to bite hard. But sometimes, the younger is trying to protect herself too much and she bites hard. Then we stop it. Otherwise, I just let them go at it until one of them cries.
Also I am conscious that I should not favor one over the other. If one time I side with one, the next time I will try hard to side with the other. By butting in, the parent can become the source of the problem. So, basically, by now, I am pretty good at just sitting there and doing nothing. You can disagree with me. Give me reasons, please, why you disagree, but for now, I just let them go at each other. If it gets out of hand, I say, OK, lets settle down, quite calmly, but I know they will be back at it tomorrow, or even in an hour.
So, in conclusion, I will have to utter an apology. "I'm sorry Dad. I know you had a low tolerance level for us messing around, and I am sorry that we, OK, I caused you frustration when you had to make those long drives with us, but... really you should have known it was part of sibling life and let it slide off you. But you probably couldn't. So I am sorry about that."
But, my girls wont have to apologize to me when they are older. "yeah, at this age you started fighting with each other a lot more. But no biggie, that's life, that's the way it was and will be, you don't have to apologize to me. Maybe to your Mother."
On the other hand, I am going to drastically change my tune if something bad happens. OK, a further admittance: its not like I do nothing. I do watch out of the center of my eye and make sure they are following rules and not ripping each others hair or even worse eyes out. I do put away any knives or sharp things that are out before they get to fighting. You know, a little precaution also never hurt anyone. Just making sure. But after that... some exercise of any sort especially with winter coming on, is a good thing. So cheerio, keep a stiff upper lip and let them fight some.
Rather what I really dread is that in ten years it will be the opposite and they will discover how to be really mellow and non active, namely, they will discover drugs and marijuana. That will be a tougher issue for me to handle. This fighting,.... piece of cake. No worries.
If you have an incredulous disagreement with me, I am open, voice your concerns.
Listening to the new Planetary Assault System album "Arc Angel"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cX84WPkLlOg
