You will have to pardon me on this post. Grant me time for a little rant. Humor me. It should serve as an introduction to a very big topic of research, but I have to keep it to a couple paragraphs today, and by far not completely thought out. Very rough. Furthermore I started thinking about this a couple weeks ago when I was getting sick. Before I get sick, I always become more emotional.
The thing is, this is a big topic these days, especially in European countries who are experiencing a great influx of immigration. The question is: Can we live together? Many people see more violence among groups and throw up their hands and say, "Why should we even try?" and they wouldn't mind if we end up in separated camps, even gated communities closed off from all "undesirables". Its a tough question. And as I said, I have only very rough ideas on this right now not worked out. But I think these questions pertain and are related exactly to my feeling that fathers everywhere should spend more time with their kids.
How did I get from A to B on this topic? Easy. It is strongly recognized that cultural diversity strengthens a population. A very homogeneous group is in danger of dying out or weakening especially in the face of changes or diseases. The flowers on the outer edge of the garden are the strongest as they are on the front line. While the ones in the center are quite weak. Those that are on the front line or on the edges of the group have to develop more and stronger defenses against the "outside world". This is very elemental Gregor Mendel genetic research. In short, those that marry their cousins have very weak DNA and we all know that inter family marriage among the royalty of Europe created some weak, funky individuals. Colour blindness was the least of their problems. But if you want something scientific to back it up, read the first couple paragraphs of this.
Then how do you create a stronger, cultural diversity? Why contact of course. The comparable situation of the weak flowers in the center of the garden with no defense or diversity in their DNA is the gated community in my opinion. Screened and pro rated, the gated community will have no diversity, only like minded same social economic status individuals and families. No contact with other groups. There is no way that this type of community can create a strong well rounded individual who is able to see the viewpoints of others or understand others.
The same way, if you, as the father of your children have little or no contact with your children you will have little understanding of them. Likewise your children will not benefit from your viewpoint during their growth and development. Seeing from afar is not the same as one on one contact and time spent with them. In other words, a father who plays an integral part in his children's upbringing with a sufficient amount of time with them will impart on them a greater diversity and singular viewpoint which the child would not get from just a motherly upbringing. More contact equals a better understanding and a greater diversity for the child and a stronger individual to face the world. Or here is another short but to the point article and also this one I will put in here even if I may not agree with all in this magazine.
What I also wanted to go into was the decrease in child abuse. But I will have to leave that for another one. But I warn you, it will come. And to think that all this came about just because I was getting sick.
Again, this was a very short and rough idea post. I shouldn't even post it. Its not done. I will make changes to it over the next days or weeks, but I really wanted to get the start of this, the rudimentary, "anfang" of this topic up on the site. Please forgive my superficial start, but please make a comment of any sort right away.
Was listening to this while I was writing.
http://monsterrally.bandcamp.com/album/beyond-the-sea-lp
Monday, December 15, 2014
Monday, December 8, 2014
Daddy 40 %, sick 100 %
Ugh. I finally succumbed. I had been holding off The Sickness for all of October and most of November, but it finally got me in the end. Granted, I usually get sick, SOMETIME in November and I nearly made it all the way through, but didn't.
When I was a kid, getting sick wasn't SOOOO bad. We lived in a two floor house with bedrooms upstairs and kitchen and living room downstairs so the sick person could be sequestered away in his room and the rest of the family went about their business. My Father hated getting ill and maybe was a bit scared to get sick, so he made sure the unfit person STAYED in their area. But that was OK with me, because by the time I was in grade school I had my own television in my room and staying home from learning with a semi moderate sickness was fun. Besides, even in my sick days I still got educated.
Those were the days of 3 TV channel monopolies and two local stations. Day time television was either all Soaps or Game shows. I would like to know how many Citizens were tutored in the ways of Consumerism and Promotion by the oh so wonderful Price is Right with Bob Barker. I was one of them. Or else there was Monty Hall`s "Lets make a Deal". Sometimes I learned more being sick at home then being in school. Well, you know, important stuff, like the price of washing machines in those days or even...A NEW CAR.
Sick time in these years is not as fun.
As I said at the beginning I was able to hold it off til the end of November. Let me tell you, there were some hardcore diseases going around this year as I have written about in my last two posts here and here. But over Thanksgiving... I fell asleep right after the big meal on Thursday and it wasn`t because of a full stomach. I knew it was coming. I`d had the sore throat the night before, by Thanksgiving that was that. And I still had to work on Friday. I told my wife that I was going to be home all weekend and I could take care of things for her because she was on the tail end of a sickness on top of her major sickness she had gotten in October. But as it worked out, I was the one who slept late and then had another nap after lunch and then went to bed early. In other words, she had to take care of me. Rather embarrassing, Daddy.
Sicknesses used to be even OK before we had kids as I would stay in bed and read and doze off when needed. Now, nothing doing. I have important duties to take care of rain or shine, in health or sickness.
For instance: Hide and Seek, I was it. Counting to 30 took an extra ordinary length of time. Funny that. And playing the Memory game, I got three pairs and both small kids got over 10. Its not the first time my three year old beat me in that game. It won`t be the last. In the end I couldn`t even take that and I wimped out by putting in a DVD of cartoons and lying on the sofa while the girls leaned against me and watched from somewhat of an uncomfortable position. Shameless, Daddy.
Even during the week, if you stay home from work to try to get better, you cant count on being alone. There may be someone else that is sick that you have to take care of. Well, at least my wife was here and we took turns between resting and doing duty. Its all a part of growing older and having responsibilities. (Sheepishly) I guess. Instead of just lying there and watching gameshows.
I love my little girls. I love being a father. And I am thankful that I have a wife here and we can share... everything together, good and bad.
Still, growing up and even being sick when I was a kid, had its good side too. In fact there were many many nice things growing up. I better get to bed. Its 11pm and I still have a cold. Goodnight Johnboy.
When I was a kid, getting sick wasn't SOOOO bad. We lived in a two floor house with bedrooms upstairs and kitchen and living room downstairs so the sick person could be sequestered away in his room and the rest of the family went about their business. My Father hated getting ill and maybe was a bit scared to get sick, so he made sure the unfit person STAYED in their area. But that was OK with me, because by the time I was in grade school I had my own television in my room and staying home from learning with a semi moderate sickness was fun. Besides, even in my sick days I still got educated.
Sick time in these years is not as fun.
As I said at the beginning I was able to hold it off til the end of November. Let me tell you, there were some hardcore diseases going around this year as I have written about in my last two posts here and here. But over Thanksgiving... I fell asleep right after the big meal on Thursday and it wasn`t because of a full stomach. I knew it was coming. I`d had the sore throat the night before, by Thanksgiving that was that. And I still had to work on Friday. I told my wife that I was going to be home all weekend and I could take care of things for her because she was on the tail end of a sickness on top of her major sickness she had gotten in October. But as it worked out, I was the one who slept late and then had another nap after lunch and then went to bed early. In other words, she had to take care of me. Rather embarrassing, Daddy.
Sicknesses used to be even OK before we had kids as I would stay in bed and read and doze off when needed. Now, nothing doing. I have important duties to take care of rain or shine, in health or sickness.
For instance: Hide and Seek, I was it. Counting to 30 took an extra ordinary length of time. Funny that. And playing the Memory game, I got three pairs and both small kids got over 10. Its not the first time my three year old beat me in that game. It won`t be the last. In the end I couldn`t even take that and I wimped out by putting in a DVD of cartoons and lying on the sofa while the girls leaned against me and watched from somewhat of an uncomfortable position. Shameless, Daddy.
Even during the week, if you stay home from work to try to get better, you cant count on being alone. There may be someone else that is sick that you have to take care of. Well, at least my wife was here and we took turns between resting and doing duty. Its all a part of growing older and having responsibilities. (Sheepishly) I guess. Instead of just lying there and watching gameshows.
I love my little girls. I love being a father. And I am thankful that I have a wife here and we can share... everything together, good and bad.
Still, growing up and even being sick when I was a kid, had its good side too. In fact there were many many nice things growing up. I better get to bed. Its 11pm and I still have a cold. Goodnight Johnboy.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Single parenting and antibiotics: a deadly combination
The continuing bad experience I had as being a single parent for a week. I should think it is enough to drive some people to the opposite of divorce. Sure, if the kids are going to school all the time, then it isn't so much of a problem. I stress "so much". But don't you know kids get sick every couple weeks? I`m thinking this is the first year my older girl is healthier, she`s only gotten sick twice so far, this Fall. It seems they pick up every little bacteria sitting around with nothing to do. If bacteria and viruses had training camps they would be situated right next to grade schools and pre schools. I`m sure George Carlin could figure out a routine for these lowlife attacking kids. "Cmon, why don't you pick on someone your own size? Too wimpy to try to get caught by the adults? What kind of wuss viral infection are you anyway, just going for the kids?"
So my younger started on antibiotics. I really hate antibiotics in general. I had her at the doctor for the second time and they had pricked her finger (Man, she only flinched, she didn't cry, I would be crying my eyes out, I hate the finger pricks with those little pincers) and the Doctor said, "anti biotics" and I wheezed and puffed, "no, no not them again". The Doctor said she wouldn't give them, but the tyke`s protein count, or CPM (or CMP?) was like 105. Normal is around 8. So they said, she is kind of in the danger zone and her blood is fighting something tough.
I was on my own already, my wife had gone off to the hospital. It had been a rough enough day. But then comes midnight. Everyone knows these antibiotics MUST be given promptly 8 hours apart. I had to give it at 8am, 4pm and midnight. Kind of the only times which made sense. So there she is sleeping peacefully since around 8:30 pm and I had to shake her awake and give her 5 ml of terrible tasting something or other. Of course she started crying and refusing and trying to get back to sleep because I had woken her from a deep sleep. I didn't want her to wake her sister sleeping in the upper bunk, so I dragged her to the kitchen and turned on the light. This of course threw her wide awake and she cried even harder. I had this 5ml of antibiotics in one of those little needle mouth dispensers, but her mouth was closed. And it stayed close.
Uh oh, patience was sadly disappearing at a bad time. I just wanted to get this 5ml of antibiotics into her mouth and down the gullet, but it wasn't happening. You get some in, but then it comes out like she is frothing like a dog and my patience is gone. Bad Daddy. You kind of have to squeeze her mouth open and squirt it in and shake her head around a bit so it goes down her throat. Sorry I am over dramatizing (I think). Or check out a short story by William Carlos Williams called "The Use of Force" and that pretty much sums up how it was. I had to fill up the dispenser three times, 5ml each time, to get her to swallow 5 ml of the biotics.
It was 12:40. It had taken 40 minutes for her to take 5ml of treatment. I was panting but the adrenaline was receding. I was so glad it was over (until 8am tomorrow morning), but she was still crying. What an ordeal. I got to bed at 1am. I had to get up at 6:30 am. Go figure.
The next night, I tried something else. AND I vowed to keep my patience under all circumstances. So I woke her up. I had the medicine mixed in with some lemon drink which filled up about a half a small tea cup. It didn`t work at first. She wouldn`t drink it. "ah, you want a straw?" "Yes". OK. Run off to the kitchen. I got a short straw. "I want the long straw Daddy". "Yes, yes, of course". Run back and get the long straw. "Don't watch me," she said. "No, no. I`m not going to watch". But I held the cup. "Daddy, I don't want it in this cup, I want the Thomas Train cup". "Yes yes. Of Course". Brought it back to the kitchen, changed cups. "Don't look". I held the cup and turned my head.
5 minutes go by and I am wondering. I bring the cup into the light to see its contents. Doesn`t look like a big dent has been made. I go back and see that she is biting the straw so barely anything can get through. Mmmmm, big frustration, but patience is still intact. " Look, we are going to have to drink this better, or else go to the kitchen to drink it." "No no, not to the kitchen. I want to drink it here". Another five minutes. I ran to the kitchen and got a strong straw, I think made of metal, perhaps lead, which wouldn`t be squashed. Still another five minutes go by and I take a recap of the cup of contents. Hm, about half way done. Patience is still there, but getting dangerously low. I REALLY want to finish this and go to bed. I run to the kitchen and get a clear straw and shine my telephone light on her as she is drinking so I can see the liquid going up the straw into her mouth. It is a v.e.r.y. s.l.o.w. p.r.o.c.e.s.s. I am going to fall asleep holding the cup when suddenly I hear that familiar sound of someone reaching the bottom of the glass while drinking with a straw. 12:25 am. ugh. Only 25 minutes this time. Not much of an accomplishment, though a bit better.
The next night the same.
By the fourth night, believe me, I`m getting tired of this too, I told her exactly what was going to happen. "I`m going to wake you up at 12 midnight and I will have the Thomas Cup, is that the cup you want?" "No, I want the one with the giraffes." "OK, I`m going to have the cup with the giraffes which will be half full with lemon drink and we will drink it with the long straw..." "Daddy, I don`t want any straw." "OK, OK, no straw. And you drink it. That`s how it will work."
And at Midnight I came with the antibiotics in the giraffe cup. I woke her up. She started crying and wanted to go back to sleep. "But I told you. Look, you want to go to the kitchen?" "No, I want to sleep." Can`t argue with that one. "Look, you just have to drink this. Please, pretty please, with sugar on top" She sat up. Looked at the cup. Drank it down in five minutes. No straw. Glory be, hallelujah. Fantastic, amazing. Let`s get up and do a pig can jig. In under 15 minutes. Incredible.
I put her head back on her pillow, kissed her forehead and danced off to bed.
The next 4 days (the last two she was at her Grandmas, so it was her problem to give her the antibiotics) came off so so, with more problems during the day and quicker at night. Patience stayed, she did get better, mission accomplished, at a frightening cost though. One week of doing EVERYTHING by myself was just too much. Too too much. I really don't think I could handle doing that all the time. Sick or healthy.
Two things. Patience and a spoonful of sugar really do help the medicine go down quicker. But it is never delightful. Second, if my wife had been at home it wouldn`t have been a problem. We brush her teeth together now and my wife holds her hands and I brush. My older girl is currently sick again drinking some medicine, my wife mixes it with some juice. The older girl hates the taste, but it goes down over a minute span. What was I going to do, call my next door neighbor to come over and help me give my younger girl the antibiotics at Midnight? Call in Grandma? If you got to do something and you are the only parent and the kid doesn`t like it, then all the grief gets thrown at you. It just takes that much longer to get it done. I was at wits end trying to get her to take the antibiotics. It was like brushing her teeth in the summer all over again. As a result, I hate antibiotics even more AND being a single parent. I don`t want it. I will kick myself and remember this episode whenever I start to have an argument with my spouse.
I might change some things. I didn't edit this so well before I posted. Should still do that. But I want to leave you with a word of caution about antibiotics: please use them wisely and don`t always use them just because your Doctor says so. They are necessary for some bacterial infections, but downright useless and even dangerous for other sicknesses. Here is just one link.
Try to stay healthy. But I realize for kids, that is like asking them to eat spinach and like it. Not gonna happen (he says shaking his head)
So my younger started on antibiotics. I really hate antibiotics in general. I had her at the doctor for the second time and they had pricked her finger (Man, she only flinched, she didn't cry, I would be crying my eyes out, I hate the finger pricks with those little pincers) and the Doctor said, "anti biotics" and I wheezed and puffed, "no, no not them again". The Doctor said she wouldn't give them, but the tyke`s protein count, or CPM (or CMP?) was like 105. Normal is around 8. So they said, she is kind of in the danger zone and her blood is fighting something tough.
I was on my own already, my wife had gone off to the hospital. It had been a rough enough day. But then comes midnight. Everyone knows these antibiotics MUST be given promptly 8 hours apart. I had to give it at 8am, 4pm and midnight. Kind of the only times which made sense. So there she is sleeping peacefully since around 8:30 pm and I had to shake her awake and give her 5 ml of terrible tasting something or other. Of course she started crying and refusing and trying to get back to sleep because I had woken her from a deep sleep. I didn't want her to wake her sister sleeping in the upper bunk, so I dragged her to the kitchen and turned on the light. This of course threw her wide awake and she cried even harder. I had this 5ml of antibiotics in one of those little needle mouth dispensers, but her mouth was closed. And it stayed close.
Uh oh, patience was sadly disappearing at a bad time. I just wanted to get this 5ml of antibiotics into her mouth and down the gullet, but it wasn't happening. You get some in, but then it comes out like she is frothing like a dog and my patience is gone. Bad Daddy. You kind of have to squeeze her mouth open and squirt it in and shake her head around a bit so it goes down her throat. Sorry I am over dramatizing (I think). Or check out a short story by William Carlos Williams called "The Use of Force" and that pretty much sums up how it was. I had to fill up the dispenser three times, 5ml each time, to get her to swallow 5 ml of the biotics.
It was 12:40. It had taken 40 minutes for her to take 5ml of treatment. I was panting but the adrenaline was receding. I was so glad it was over (until 8am tomorrow morning), but she was still crying. What an ordeal. I got to bed at 1am. I had to get up at 6:30 am. Go figure.
The next night, I tried something else. AND I vowed to keep my patience under all circumstances. So I woke her up. I had the medicine mixed in with some lemon drink which filled up about a half a small tea cup. It didn`t work at first. She wouldn`t drink it. "ah, you want a straw?" "Yes". OK. Run off to the kitchen. I got a short straw. "I want the long straw Daddy". "Yes, yes, of course". Run back and get the long straw. "Don't watch me," she said. "No, no. I`m not going to watch". But I held the cup. "Daddy, I don't want it in this cup, I want the Thomas Train cup". "Yes yes. Of Course". Brought it back to the kitchen, changed cups. "Don't look". I held the cup and turned my head.
5 minutes go by and I am wondering. I bring the cup into the light to see its contents. Doesn`t look like a big dent has been made. I go back and see that she is biting the straw so barely anything can get through. Mmmmm, big frustration, but patience is still intact. " Look, we are going to have to drink this better, or else go to the kitchen to drink it." "No no, not to the kitchen. I want to drink it here". Another five minutes. I ran to the kitchen and got a strong straw, I think made of metal, perhaps lead, which wouldn`t be squashed. Still another five minutes go by and I take a recap of the cup of contents. Hm, about half way done. Patience is still there, but getting dangerously low. I REALLY want to finish this and go to bed. I run to the kitchen and get a clear straw and shine my telephone light on her as she is drinking so I can see the liquid going up the straw into her mouth. It is a v.e.r.y. s.l.o.w. p.r.o.c.e.s.s. I am going to fall asleep holding the cup when suddenly I hear that familiar sound of someone reaching the bottom of the glass while drinking with a straw. 12:25 am. ugh. Only 25 minutes this time. Not much of an accomplishment, though a bit better.
The next night the same.
 | |
| antibiotics parphernalia |
And at Midnight I came with the antibiotics in the giraffe cup. I woke her up. She started crying and wanted to go back to sleep. "But I told you. Look, you want to go to the kitchen?" "No, I want to sleep." Can`t argue with that one. "Look, you just have to drink this. Please, pretty please, with sugar on top" She sat up. Looked at the cup. Drank it down in five minutes. No straw. Glory be, hallelujah. Fantastic, amazing. Let`s get up and do a pig can jig. In under 15 minutes. Incredible.
I put her head back on her pillow, kissed her forehead and danced off to bed.
The next 4 days (the last two she was at her Grandmas, so it was her problem to give her the antibiotics) came off so so, with more problems during the day and quicker at night. Patience stayed, she did get better, mission accomplished, at a frightening cost though. One week of doing EVERYTHING by myself was just too much. Too too much. I really don't think I could handle doing that all the time. Sick or healthy.
Two things. Patience and a spoonful of sugar really do help the medicine go down quicker. But it is never delightful. Second, if my wife had been at home it wouldn`t have been a problem. We brush her teeth together now and my wife holds her hands and I brush. My older girl is currently sick again drinking some medicine, my wife mixes it with some juice. The older girl hates the taste, but it goes down over a minute span. What was I going to do, call my next door neighbor to come over and help me give my younger girl the antibiotics at Midnight? Call in Grandma? If you got to do something and you are the only parent and the kid doesn`t like it, then all the grief gets thrown at you. It just takes that much longer to get it done. I was at wits end trying to get her to take the antibiotics. It was like brushing her teeth in the summer all over again. As a result, I hate antibiotics even more AND being a single parent. I don`t want it. I will kick myself and remember this episode whenever I start to have an argument with my spouse.
I might change some things. I didn't edit this so well before I posted. Should still do that. But I want to leave you with a word of caution about antibiotics: please use them wisely and don`t always use them just because your Doctor says so. They are necessary for some bacterial infections, but downright useless and even dangerous for other sicknesses. Here is just one link.
Try to stay healthy. But I realize for kids, that is like asking them to eat spinach and like it. Not gonna happen (he says shaking his head)
 | |
| Happy healthy days |
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Single Parenting pt 1: It aint easy, no fun at all
I wrote one post early on about the division of labor at home with the kids and family life. I don't care how you split up the labor, just split it up as you will be much saner in mind and I think both happier. One person can catch their second wind resting while the other is playing around doing duty, having fun with the kids. This makes sense doesn't it?
The problem is, how can you divide up the labor when you have nobody to divide it up with? I know the divorce rate is high, but when I just read that according to divorcerate.org, 40 to 50 per cent of marriages in the US will end in divorce. Whoa. Why even get married? Well, it depends on how old you are when you get married. The older you are, the less of a chance it will end in divorce, and a lot of other variables, but this is not what I wanted to talk about (thank goodness as divorce is just too sad a word for me). What I wanted to talk about was the sheer difficulty of, the amount of work, of a one parent household.
For the first time now a couple weeks ago, I experienced single parenting for a week and I think... its a bad idea. The following is just a "short" example of how tough single parenting can be. This post is going to be too long. If you read the whole thing in one sitting withoug getting bored or going for a cup of tea, I salute you on your patience and your interest. Many thanks.
THE BACKGROUND
My wife was diagnosed with viral meningitis on a Wednesday in October. She went to the hospital on Thursday and suddenly said she had to stay there for at least a week, maybe for two weeks or more. Not to mention that my youngest daughter had gotten sick before my wife and was on antibiotics. She really should have laid low and not gone outside at all. So she was home from school all day. But I had to get my other daughter to school every day. Which meant I had to take the sick girl along with us because I couldn't leave her at home alone.
I need to stress an important point. I must say that I am very wary of people who experience something for a very short time and then write about it or talk about it as if they know every aspect. That has happened to me when I asked a couple people when it was urgent to work at my job for the day. They repeated their experience to me for years afterward as if they knew my business inside and out. Their one day of work made them experts in my field. So, what I mean to say is, I don't know what it is like to be a single parent. From my very limited limited view it is even worse than what I experienced. But it could be, once you get the hang of it, once you get in the groove, you start to be able to handle it. Nope. Not for me. I don't want to go down that path. It is against me, it is against how I want to bring up my kids and what I am most most certain they need: A two parent household. Sometimes the parents are out of sync and at odds with each other, but still loving and providing care for each other AND the kids, as much as they can. A single parent household... I don't want to live that way more than I did. Here is a sample why:
THE MORNING
The days started at 6.25 am and I had to get both girls up, dressed and breakfasted by 7.35 when I had to walk my older daughter to school. Usually I am getting up and preparing the breakfasts while my wife gets the girls dressed. Now I had to do it all alone. Luckily both girls did it themselves with me pushing them along. My fashion sense is null, so I just let them wear what they chose themselves. My wife would not do that. I am sure they were not looking as good as when my wife chose their clothes.
The real pain came when I had to get them both out and walking to the school. The youngest does not move so quickly and has to do everything ... just so. And if she doesn't then she lapses into a fit. So if you try to put her socks on her she doesn't like it. And if you do put her socks on, she will be crying for ten or fifteen minutes that you did it and will probably take them off again. But if you don't do it, she will be sitting there for five minutes in the process of putting on her socks. I was trying to keep my patience, but the time kept on ticking ticking ticking into the future. THIS time I had to be on a schedule. Patience, unfortunately and sadly, got thrown out the door. Against all that I have advocated before and STILL advocate: Patience, patience, pa... put on the sock already will you? Or else I will.
The worst day,... or one of them anyway, the littlest girl is in a fit because I had forcibly put on her coat which she had been deciding to put on for five minutes. She hadn't even gotten to the stage of getting the coat on, she was still in the choosing the coat stage. My problem is that I can`t get into the mindset of this three year old. It was a big violation for me to put on her coat. I am sorry about that. That brought on the first round of heavy duty crying, but we got out the door at 7.35.
I thought I would put my daughter in the stroller and wheel her through the streets like that woman in the Wizard of OZ who was on a mission to take Dorothy` s dog Toto. I felt like her too. It was all
whirlwind and heat. But when I opened the door to outside I found it was raining outside and I didn't have a cover for the stroller and ten minutes in the rain would have gotten all of us soaked. That would have meant flu or some other sickness on top of what my youngest daughter had and maybe for us healthy people too. I couldn't risk it. So I rolled the stroller back inside the building. We live in an apartment building. Just then my 80 year old neighbor was going up on the elevator. I practically threw the stroller at her and asked her to take it up to our floor and just park it outside our apartment door. All niceties and formalities also out the door.
Then I piled the girls into the car. 7.40 heading for 7.45. And then the fr... strap, the seat belt for my littlest girl wouldn't reach, or wouldn't hold in the connector and I am sitting there struggling with it for three minutes until I decided that I cant do this and just asked my older girl to hold the seat belt over her in place and ... we ll hope for no problems. Admittedly kind of illegal and dangerous.
I was in a hurry, but even when I am in a hurry, I never take it out on the road. I am careful, no road rage here. So I don't know where the vote of no confidence from my youngest girl came from. She had just finished her crying session as she probably knew that there were bigger concerns but she said, "Daddy, I don't want you to drive. I don't like you driving". Seriously. I am a good driver. I don't know where that came from. She might as well have told me that she hated me and wanted a different parent. Even worse, because she has said that before in different words, namely, "NOT YOU. MOMMY". So yes, I became rattled even more. Settle down. Keep your cool. Its OK. 7.45.
And I did keep my cool. Though I looked mournfully on as it hit 7.50 and I made a nominally bad turn onto the busy street instead of turning into the school street. So I had to drive down the busy street for a hundred meters, make a left hand turn in front of traffic with no light and do a parallel parking two blocks on the other side of the school. But I did it you know. And in fact God took care of the little things and cleared the oncoming traffic for my left hand turn AND gave me a big space to parallel park in so it was no trouble. Just like in the movies. That was nice of the Almighty. Because now it was 7.50. 8 o clock and she is late. (Althought note, I have been tricked before on this big space to parallel park. I did it one late evening where no one was parked and found the next day that they were doing street cleaning on that street and all cars had to be off that street. I got a traffic fine. So I guess i was owed for that trick, right?)
I have to interject here and explain the imperative of getting her to school on time. Just the week before I had been at parent meetings with the teacher and the one thing I talked about with the teacher was... getting my little student to school on time. The teacher was very nice about it, "Have you tried going to bed 15 minutes sooner? She can be tired for the first class during the day. That is OK. Some of the students are". Very accommodating, but, "I really want her in her seat by the first bell, not the late bell." So, I didn't want to blow it just one week after meeting with her.
I parked, got them out of the car, got the littlest girl sitting on my shoulders so I could run with my older girl and ran through the rain. She did get there by 7.55 and changed at her locker and ran up to her class. I think she got to her class by 7.58. Yes. Unf.believeable.
But this was not fun. No fun at all. Normally I walk with my girl to school. We hurry a little, but its mostly a casual walk where we smell the breakfast smells at a restaurant, or run on the mini golf courses a bit, and enjoy the mild Fall weather. But no, that whole week, every morning was just rush rush rush. There was no room for patience or enjoyment. It was just a battle against the clock.
After the adrenaline hype I usually would get a cocoa with my littlest girl. Once we sat in a coffee shop and she drank a cocoa. I corrected my heart rate so it wasn't beating at 120 and got it back down to 60 bpm. The cocoa was a nice reward and a nice aftermath THAT morning, but...
THERE IS NO WAY I WANT TO BE A SINGLE PARENT.
We came back home and the next battle started: Giving her 5 ml of antibiotics
to be continued......
The problem is, how can you divide up the labor when you have nobody to divide it up with? I know the divorce rate is high, but when I just read that according to divorcerate.org, 40 to 50 per cent of marriages in the US will end in divorce. Whoa. Why even get married? Well, it depends on how old you are when you get married. The older you are, the less of a chance it will end in divorce, and a lot of other variables, but this is not what I wanted to talk about (thank goodness as divorce is just too sad a word for me). What I wanted to talk about was the sheer difficulty of, the amount of work, of a one parent household.
For the first time now a couple weeks ago, I experienced single parenting for a week and I think... its a bad idea. The following is just a "short" example of how tough single parenting can be. This post is going to be too long. If you read the whole thing in one sitting withoug getting bored or going for a cup of tea, I salute you on your patience and your interest. Many thanks.
THE BACKGROUND
My wife was diagnosed with viral meningitis on a Wednesday in October. She went to the hospital on Thursday and suddenly said she had to stay there for at least a week, maybe for two weeks or more. Not to mention that my youngest daughter had gotten sick before my wife and was on antibiotics. She really should have laid low and not gone outside at all. So she was home from school all day. But I had to get my other daughter to school every day. Which meant I had to take the sick girl along with us because I couldn't leave her at home alone.
I need to stress an important point. I must say that I am very wary of people who experience something for a very short time and then write about it or talk about it as if they know every aspect. That has happened to me when I asked a couple people when it was urgent to work at my job for the day. They repeated their experience to me for years afterward as if they knew my business inside and out. Their one day of work made them experts in my field. So, what I mean to say is, I don't know what it is like to be a single parent. From my very limited limited view it is even worse than what I experienced. But it could be, once you get the hang of it, once you get in the groove, you start to be able to handle it. Nope. Not for me. I don't want to go down that path. It is against me, it is against how I want to bring up my kids and what I am most most certain they need: A two parent household. Sometimes the parents are out of sync and at odds with each other, but still loving and providing care for each other AND the kids, as much as they can. A single parent household... I don't want to live that way more than I did. Here is a sample why:
THE MORNING
The days started at 6.25 am and I had to get both girls up, dressed and breakfasted by 7.35 when I had to walk my older daughter to school. Usually I am getting up and preparing the breakfasts while my wife gets the girls dressed. Now I had to do it all alone. Luckily both girls did it themselves with me pushing them along. My fashion sense is null, so I just let them wear what they chose themselves. My wife would not do that. I am sure they were not looking as good as when my wife chose their clothes.
The real pain came when I had to get them both out and walking to the school. The youngest does not move so quickly and has to do everything ... just so. And if she doesn't then she lapses into a fit. So if you try to put her socks on her she doesn't like it. And if you do put her socks on, she will be crying for ten or fifteen minutes that you did it and will probably take them off again. But if you don't do it, she will be sitting there for five minutes in the process of putting on her socks. I was trying to keep my patience, but the time kept on ticking ticking ticking into the future. THIS time I had to be on a schedule. Patience, unfortunately and sadly, got thrown out the door. Against all that I have advocated before and STILL advocate: Patience, patience, pa... put on the sock already will you? Or else I will.
The worst day,... or one of them anyway, the littlest girl is in a fit because I had forcibly put on her coat which she had been deciding to put on for five minutes. She hadn't even gotten to the stage of getting the coat on, she was still in the choosing the coat stage. My problem is that I can`t get into the mindset of this three year old. It was a big violation for me to put on her coat. I am sorry about that. That brought on the first round of heavy duty crying, but we got out the door at 7.35.
I thought I would put my daughter in the stroller and wheel her through the streets like that woman in the Wizard of OZ who was on a mission to take Dorothy` s dog Toto. I felt like her too. It was all
Then I piled the girls into the car. 7.40 heading for 7.45. And then the fr... strap, the seat belt for my littlest girl wouldn't reach, or wouldn't hold in the connector and I am sitting there struggling with it for three minutes until I decided that I cant do this and just asked my older girl to hold the seat belt over her in place and ... we ll hope for no problems. Admittedly kind of illegal and dangerous.
I was in a hurry, but even when I am in a hurry, I never take it out on the road. I am careful, no road rage here. So I don't know where the vote of no confidence from my youngest girl came from. She had just finished her crying session as she probably knew that there were bigger concerns but she said, "Daddy, I don't want you to drive. I don't like you driving". Seriously. I am a good driver. I don't know where that came from. She might as well have told me that she hated me and wanted a different parent. Even worse, because she has said that before in different words, namely, "NOT YOU. MOMMY". So yes, I became rattled even more. Settle down. Keep your cool. Its OK. 7.45.
And I did keep my cool. Though I looked mournfully on as it hit 7.50 and I made a nominally bad turn onto the busy street instead of turning into the school street. So I had to drive down the busy street for a hundred meters, make a left hand turn in front of traffic with no light and do a parallel parking two blocks on the other side of the school. But I did it you know. And in fact God took care of the little things and cleared the oncoming traffic for my left hand turn AND gave me a big space to parallel park in so it was no trouble. Just like in the movies. That was nice of the Almighty. Because now it was 7.50. 8 o clock and she is late. (Althought note, I have been tricked before on this big space to parallel park. I did it one late evening where no one was parked and found the next day that they were doing street cleaning on that street and all cars had to be off that street. I got a traffic fine. So I guess i was owed for that trick, right?)
I have to interject here and explain the imperative of getting her to school on time. Just the week before I had been at parent meetings with the teacher and the one thing I talked about with the teacher was... getting my little student to school on time. The teacher was very nice about it, "Have you tried going to bed 15 minutes sooner? She can be tired for the first class during the day. That is OK. Some of the students are". Very accommodating, but, "I really want her in her seat by the first bell, not the late bell." So, I didn't want to blow it just one week after meeting with her.
I parked, got them out of the car, got the littlest girl sitting on my shoulders so I could run with my older girl and ran through the rain. She did get there by 7.55 and changed at her locker and ran up to her class. I think she got to her class by 7.58. Yes. Unf.believeable.
But this was not fun. No fun at all. Normally I walk with my girl to school. We hurry a little, but its mostly a casual walk where we smell the breakfast smells at a restaurant, or run on the mini golf courses a bit, and enjoy the mild Fall weather. But no, that whole week, every morning was just rush rush rush. There was no room for patience or enjoyment. It was just a battle against the clock.
After the adrenaline hype I usually would get a cocoa with my littlest girl. Once we sat in a coffee shop and she drank a cocoa. I corrected my heart rate so it wasn't beating at 120 and got it back down to 60 bpm. The cocoa was a nice reward and a nice aftermath THAT morning, but...
THERE IS NO WAY I WANT TO BE A SINGLE PARENT.
We came back home and the next battle started: Giving her 5 ml of antibiotics
to be continued......
| A picture of a nice school I liked |
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