Dad thinking about Dad and thinking about future Dad

a book by my father

 I have reached an age where I am the same age as my father was as I came into "being able to remember".  

I tried to make that sound less confusing, but anyway I write it, it still does. I have to explain it. 

In my opinion my memories which are solid and not slippery came into being when I was about ten years old, like third or fourth grade, and especially fifth grade.  When I was that age my father was X years old.  Now I am that same "X" age that my father was when I was 10.  

Why is this interesting?

Because I think I can finally feel or have an inkling of how my father felt when he was this age.  Now when I look a certain way, I suddenly think, "Oh, yeah, my father used to make that face. I think he was feeling or thinking the same way I do now."  Or, "yes, my father used to have the same reaction to this situation, I bet he was feeling the same way I am now." 

Its funny because I will always be my father's son, but in a way, by this age, I have become his peer a little bit.  More as if we were brothers who acted or thought similarly.  In this manner I feel a stronger kinship with my father even if he has passed on. 

One more example.  My father used to be very quiet on questions.  But I think I get it now. He wasnt so much as quiet as just thinking about it and turning it over in his head.  I take time to answer questions too. People think I havent heard because I dont answer right away, but I am just thinking.  It isnt a snap process.  

Beloved jeans

Or my "love" of old clothes.  My wife hates my old clothes. She says I look like a homeless person and throw them away they make me look terrible.  I like to wear them because a) they are comfortable and nostalgic for me making me feel more at ease and b) I dont like the throw away culture.  Things should last. We shouldnt just throw them away because they have a hole in them or are out of style.  My father was the same way on at least one account.  He didnt like to throw things away. He didnt like that throwaway consumerism.  But ... maybe, I think, he also felt comfortable in his old clothes. I couldnt tell that they were out of style. I dont think my father ever wore anything that was in style.  But maybe they had been in style when he had bought them, but were out when he was still wearing them x years later.   I guess he never looked like a homeless person though. I always thought he looked well dressed, well, like a professor, who, walked a lot. Which he was. His pants werent faded or dirty.  Now, since the 70s, its been a jeans culture and I guess when jeans fade they look like homeless clothes and dirty.

My Fathers hat.  

  Do professors wear faded jeans these days?  

So, times change, but our feelings are passed on from generation to generation.  Maybe.  

Now both my daughters are at an age where they will have "solid" memories.  Now is when I better watch my self and give good impressions and try to build my legacy.  

Speaking of legacy, how will my daughters think of me in the future?  When they reach the age I am now, will they have epiphanies and say, "Oh, yeah, that is probably what Dad was thinking."  Or, "Oh boy, I thought he was being mean, not letting me stay out so late, but in fact he was pretty nice and lenient letting me stay out at all considering it was dark from 5pm and I was only 13 years old."  Maybe I will be redeemed and an aura of good will from them will be emitted and maybe wash over me.  

I hope I will still be alive to see the day and feel the new good vibe. 

 

I listened to this full cd just before I started writing. Its a couple decades old. 

Of course the Talking Heads.  But a special version. I think this one is pretty hard to get.  It isnt bootleg, but it was discontinued as it wasnt "sanctified".  I guess it is just about the same as "stop making sense" the movie and accompanying CD.  This one has 5 more songs.  

 

How we grow up fighting our siblings. part 2

 

Exactly five years ago on November 8th I wrote a post on my daughters "discovering" fighting with each other.  On Nov8 2016 I wrote this post.  

My younger daughter was 5 years old at the time and older daughter 8.  It seems amazing that they started fighting with each other at such a young age.  

I ask myself now how did it start at such a young pure age?   In the post listed above, I just noted mostly that it was fun  for me  to fight.  That is why  I dismissed it and tried not to take sides when my daughters began fighting.  Now I am wondering if there is not in fact something darker and negative. 

At the same time in the past five years my relation with a sibling has not always been pleasant on contact with emails. 

This is what happened.  It was in 2016 that I wrote that post. In the meantime Donald Trump came in and spent four years in the white house.  The atmosphere on social networks became much nastier.  In fact my emails with my sibling became or usually ended up combatitive.  I guess it was happening all the time, or in fact I had more discussions and they always left me angry and with bad adrenaline.  Mostly it seemed to me that they just wanted to beat me in the discussion and they had no intention of agreeing with me or saying yes that is correct,  agreeing or being diplomatic.  It just seemed like, well, a gladiator tournament.  

I grew very tired of these "discussions" and tried to stay away.  But of course you cant help writing an email once in a while.  But they all ended the same.  

You know, the "weird" thing is both my parents seemed to stay away from their siblings while they

were bringing up kids.  It was only after their kids had grown up that they got back together and started talking or visiting their siblings.  My father had a fight with his brother because his brother worked for a tobacco company and was trying to prove smoking tobacco was safe.  Yup, that was my Uncle. .  My Mother and her sister didnt have much contact during their mid life adult years but were great friends after  retirement.    

I said in my post that I just liked teasing my one sister.  But I havent spoken to her now in 10 years besides for one zoom meeting.  I guess 2008 was the last meeting. Granted we dont really live that close to each other, in fact half way around the world from each other.   

Now I see my daughters fighting harder.  The younger one really will get into it and start huffing and puffing away.  Sometimes the older one gets out of control and gets really angry and starts lashing out, quite a lot.  .... It seems like it is more intense these days.  

Is there some sort of pattern happening?  

Maybe they are getting older (well, 13 and 10, still not adults) and what is developing is a long term relationship which will be in fact an anti relationship. They will not be in touch their whole adult lives.  Is there a pattern?   Is there something I can do? Or do I just have to let the river run its course? We dont get to choose who our siblings are.  

Its my younger sister's birthday on November 9th.  Maybe I

should send an email and say something nice.  Maybe I was a jerk to her when I was a small kid. I just liked to tease her and fight good naturedly.

I couldnt listen to this while I was writing, but I listened before and after writing. It was too violent to listen while i was writing.  But a very hardcore intense album this one. Much harder than the others, I think.  

 I had to listen to music without singing.  So I opted for some Luke Slater.