It is really a 50 50 coin toss. I am talking about my teenage daughter. I mostly stay calm (unless it is a school night and it is after 11pm and she still isnt close to ready for bed. ). I guess there are two sides to that coin.
On one side, I dont get angry or am not terribly bothered by her behavior. Basically she only thinks of herself. And a lot of that is because of the development of the prefrontal cortex in the forebrain. It controls your, "planning, prioritizing and decision making" and is basically the little kid screaming "me me me" until it develops and is able to act rationally and make better decisions. Such as, it is not too good to just live on McDonalds and potato chips. Or, making the decision that you should really get better sleep than between 3.30 am and 1pm every day. Granted it is Christmas vacation, but we should get back on a schedule that fits what you have to do. Right now the cortex in the front is going haywire, from what I understand, and there is a lot of irrationality and anger even. So, I try to stay calm and say, this is not how she will be when she is 23 or 26 years old. It is the last section of the brain to mature.
On the opposite side of the coin, it is in fact exactly what a parent should be doing by guiding that irrationality and trying to steer the person back into "safe" waters. In fact the parent has to be the one who says, "well living on potato chips and McDonalds is not really a good thing, even for a week". We still have to say, "You are acting irrational and I think it would be best if we changed these things so you dont destroy yourself or become sick in some way and even stay healthy."
N.Wallenda across Niagara
AND you have to do that without upsetting the irrational brain (the teenager) and make them run away screaming "I hate you telling me how and when to do everything. Clean my room, do my homework, eat fruits, get to sleep on time, nag nag nag". It is a tightrope wire to walk.
I got mad at my daughter before Christmas for something I really really was disgusted about and I yelled, "You go back and take care of it. You have to know the difference or we have to teach you the difference between right and wrong and this is very wrong, so go back and fix it" And she yelled at me as if I was the bad one for yelling at her. But I couldnt take it lightly. I had to make sure that she knew for sure this was a "wrong". Also I didnt want people saying, "well it was the parents fault because they didnt teach her the difference between right and wrong". No siree Bob. For the record, what she did was wrong and I told her so. And she said, "yeah yeah yeah, I ll take care of it". I hope she did.
And another thing.
When I got a really nice pair of pajamas for Christmas, I really needed them, I said, "thanks a lot GUYS (referring to both my daughters) for giving them to me. I really needed them and they are nice." And in a minute my younger daughter asked me why I had said "guys" plural. Oh. It was just you who got them for me? My 12 year old. My older daughter didnt get me anything. She probably didnt get anybody anything. Her mother gave her an electric guitar, I will give her a legal piercing when she wants it and I got her an MF DOOM LP. It s not like she got coal in her stocking and her parents are the Grinch who stole (her) Christmas. Christmas still came and she made out well but didnt contribute much herself, if anything to others.
I get it though. I am not upset. Again, its her "me me me, I am the important one here" cortex brain in the lead thinking about herself and not others. Sometimes even adults have problems thinking of others over themselves. It is a tough case. So she is a teen ager. I got a nice pair of pajamas, I gave myself two CDs and a new pair of walking boots I needed for any more snow and a box of instant coffeees (from my worker) which I drink every day. I really dont need much. I have everything and in more than enough amounts. Its ok. Seriously for the rest of the year I dont have to get myself anything (maybe one more pair of pants) and I can concentrate on disappearing my debt. So, its ok daughter.
Well.... sort of. Mostly.
I am a bit hurt to tell you the truth on the other side of the coin. I mean even my worker got me a ten pack of instant coffee. It was a really nice gesture. Couldnt my daughter have at least gotten me something small? A big bag of potato chips or a chocolate bar? Just some notice that she tried and she thought of me for five minutes and thought, "boy, he might like this." I know she doesnt have much money (because if she has it she is buying herself McDonalds and potato chips) but I would have settled for a very small token gift even. One day she could have forgone her potato chips and gotten her old man a small gift for Christmas.
But I get it .... mostly. She just isnt thinking of others right at this juncture. I have to lightly guide her through and make comments and footnotes to her behavior and her lifestyle. And Christmas is about the spirit and not about the gifts even if our modern world has made the giving of physical gifts the center of Christmas. Its not.
So there are two sides to the coin. And while one side may be the better and more rational, understanding and forgiving, there is also the other side which is more hurt and a bit of pain.
But, it will be better next year, or the year after that. I m ok with it. Mostly.
Respect and Responsilbility for the new year 2024. Hopefully more happiness and joy than pain and hurt. But there will be all of them.
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