Dr Doolittles pushmi-pullyu llama daddy

Remember the movie with Rex Harrison doing the adaptation of that great kids book "Dr. Doolittle", the doctor who could talk to animals (by Hugh Lofting)?  And remember in that movie the push me pull you llama? The two headed llama with one head on each end?  I think there was a line in the movie in which they said it has trouble knowing which way it is going because one head wants to go this way, and the other a different direction.    

Right now, it is similar for me. I dont know which way I am going, forward or backward.  I keep trying to push myself forward, but something just keeps pulling me backward and I dont know if I am getting worse or better. Obviously going forward is better and getting pulled back is worse. 

A couple examples.  

I went with the family last weekend to the small cabin my wife is renting up in the mountains.  It went very well except I did not swim as much as I should have. I regret that.   But at any rate, it was fine, I swam with one daughter later on and bought them lots of whatever drinks and the floating mattress.  It was a fine sunny day. And also the next day was very nice.  We worked on building a stone bridge to cross a small stream. The girls had been working on it on a different weekend too. My older daughter loves that. I helped a little. I got a big rock here and there.  The water was so so cold but I stood in it and worked and even got used to it.  Like the opposite of a hot yoga.  A cold cold stream yoga.  Point being that both days were nice family days where I was there and welcomed and everybody was together happily.  Hot days.  

This weekend I am alone again.  I dont know what happened.  Well I knew for many weeks that my daughters were going on a canoeing trip. But I didnt know at all that my wife was going too. I thought we would have a couple weekend together.  But here I am Saturday night, alone, trying to get things done.  How DIDNT I know that my wife was going with them?  A simple calendar with the date and who was going would have worked. Why dont I have a calendar? What is pushing me NOT to hang up a calendar that we can use to write down activites and who is going where?  

Number 2. All during lockdown, I made a list for myself of important things I had to get done.  And I worked dilligently on them.  Even after my job opened up again in May I worked with the list. I plodded along and did accomplish.  So why now do things start to fall apart? I have to finish the last two things from that list. I have to follow up on them and do the last step organizing them. Instead I go back to my procrastination ways and stutter and dont get to them and DONT GET THEM DONE.   What gives? What is there inside my body that holds me back and perhaps scares me to accomplish them?  Some sort of freaky anxiety?  

Well, it isnt to say that I was doing nothing.  I got new goods practically every day this last week and I had to count them, write them down on the computer as new items etc.  Some goods came Friday and it was a lot and I got it all done on Friday and Saturday.  BUT, I didnt get to those other things that I have to finish.  One is getting a new computer. I have to send back some specs of what I need or some picutres.  Why dont I?  It has to be in the DNA.  The irrational, anxiety DNA or the fight or flight DNA in which getting things done would be the fight and running away and not doing them would be the flight. Flight seems to be happening.  I believe in the DNA composition of people more and more these years.  

I made progress during lockdown with some things i have been wanting to do for many years now:  a) I Nearly finished one of my books and b) I started practicing again and playing jazz violin.  

unfortunately not me

This weekend I thought I would practice Friday night. I didnt. Saturday morning. I didnt. I DID finally practice 30 minutes on Saturday night.  Sunday. Sunday I will practice more.  Will I?  

One recent weekend I was alone. I wrote for two days on my novel and got a good ways to the finish.  I mean I was surprised I got that far and there isnt much left to do.  I can get it done.  I can get it done..I keep saying.  Several weeks later and no more progress.  Nothing more.  

If you want to accomplish and move forward, you really have to do it every day. Even a small amount, but you have to schedule time nearly every day. I just cant push myself to do it like that.  It is such a push and pull. Some force has taken over in my body and is dragging it backward while I try to push my self forward.  Who is it? Get out. Rewire my brain. Fight it.  Dont flight from it.  

There are many many more examples I could give, but suffice to say it seems to be seeping into all parts of my life.   its all too much.  Such a push and pull that has me standing in place when the day, the week, the month is over.  Oh so tired from just standing in place because of the extreme push and pull.  

I dont know what the answer is.  Some people know how to push themselves forward, all the time, or maybe they just have better DNA.   Some people go forward too fast and hurt other people in the process.  Not me.  I stay in place very quickly and hurt myself and others in this manner. Its not fun getting so tired not getting anywhere fast. 

I can definitely say that Dr. Doolittles push me pull you llama exists. It exists inside of me.  Maybe it exists inside of you too? Isnt it awful?  

While writing I listened to my favorite Jazz violinist. I just "re bought" one of his albums.  Jean Luc Ponty.  I bought Civilized Evil.