I was home at my Mothers for all of July with my two girls age 6 and 3 at time of writing. We have a cottage right near where the star is on the map I have included here. I asked my Mother several times throughout our visit if it was OK? Were the kids difficult? Did they tire her out? Should we take a shorter vacation next year? Should we go away? My Mother is getting on in years and I know that boisterous, little ones can really tire you out. But always she said, "no no no, I m fine, I love them. I`m so glad you are all here"
So I found it strange that on our last day when our vacation overlapped with other visitors there, my sister`s friend said something to me between, "They certainly have a lot of energy, you are a great Dad to be able to handle them" and "Wow, how do you handle their noise and running around and incessant screaming?" with exasperation. She had only been with them for less than 24 hours and half of that was spent on sleep. My Mother had been with them a full month.
I just shrugged and said nothing to her, but I had several answers in my head. One was, "Oh you can get the app download. Just wire your computer to your brain and download the `nerves of steel resistance to toddler boisterousness` app. Works quite well." Another answer was, "it doesn't bother me at all. What`s the problem?" And yet a third, variation and a bit snarky, "What? I don't know what you are talking about. Is there some problem? I don`t hear or see any problems. Can you explain yourself?". Realistically I would have answered, "Oh, they aren't so bad and I can handle it."
But suddenly it occurred to me this morning two weeks later (well, for me that IS suddenly. I`m a bit slow with reactions) that, hey! maybe I am wired to handle it. Maybe I was equipped with the natural app even before I was born! Don`t get me wrong, I`m not saying it is in my DNA, cough, cough, hack, yes, cough, I , cough, am, excuse me, some rhubarb bread caught in my throat. As I mentioned in my last post we lay people get things wrong by saying DNA is accountable for about 50 per cent of our actions. There is no such theory out there of that sort (except mine, cough). So I won`t spread bad science.
However, I would like to theorize that maybe there is some God given gift (whoops now I have even strayed out of science and into creationism) of being able to parent. Not everyone has it, an ability to be a parent, to "put up with it". It can be inside of women or men. And likewise either gender may be lacking in the quality. I`m reminded of three females right off the bat who obviously were deficient: Yoko Ono, the Mother in a short story of Annie Proulx who throws her small baby in a river because it is crying a lot, and said friend of my sister. I am sure there are many others.
Uh, granted, my sister`s friend has never had kids and has never had to deal with them. And she is a bit older than I am. She could be a grandma herself if she had had kids, so she probably likes a more calm life by now. And... she likes turtles. But that is beside the point. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Did she not have kids because she didn`t have "it". Or does she not have "it" and probably can`t stand my kids even for a day because she didn`t have kids? Born with or without this necessary trait? Or developed after you had kids? Nature or nurture? I would go with the nature because many mothers who have kids are still really bad mothers. Obviously they did not develop "it" or were not even born with "it". They have no chance of getting "it".
I, on the other hand, pat pat, congratulations dude, have... "it". Please please, no applause. Or even applesauce.
The point being either way, if "it" comes from nature or nurture women OR men can have it. The point being that for pretty much most of humankind's history men have been stifled and their talent wasted if they had the trait to become a good father and help, nay even do everything in bringing up the kids. The point being that NOW lets turn this ship around and realize that men can be just as good with kids and can be the primary care givers just as much as women. The point being... lets do it. If you `ve got "it" use "it". You know, flaunt what you got, baby.
I would like to finish with a quote from Trump. No no, not that Trump, but in fact his daughter Ivanka Trump. She is 33 years old with two young kids, husband, and works in her fathers real estate business. She said in an interview in magazine `Business Insider` January 26, 2015:
Ivanka Trump: We live in an interesting time. Work is changing for men as much as it is for women. Men expect and want to be part of their children's lives. They're living in a different way than their fathers did.
(Read more)
And it brings me to a final conclusion which I brought up last year at this time in a post called Universal Mommy. It was also a post from summer vacation. Not many people read the post so I will just repeat that I came to the conclusion that the traits of the "mother" were universal across both genders. Both my friend, a father of a girl close to my daughter`s age, and I were acting just like "mothers" in taking care of our kids. So, it`s just the way you act, it is the process and work of parenting and doesn`t matter if it is employed by male or female. But you have to know how. You have to have "it" in the first place.
Turtles reading the comics and doing a crossword puzzle.
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