Single Fathers Stay Strong

I was going to bring up something else on this post, but I met a friend on the metro yesterday and I just had to tell his story.   Its a message to all men bringing up kids, but maybe mostly those who are doing it by themselves, yes they exist, to stay strong. 

I ve known this guy for about 15 years off and on, but I still think he is under 30.  He would come into my shop to buy music.  I don't know if he wanted to be a DJ full time, but he was into it and kind of serious.  It didn't seem like he had to pull much money to survive at the time, not that he had silver spoon money, but just that he knew how to and did survive on little.  A good guy.  He had his tough times too.  But he was and is a very positive sort who maintains good vibes. 

 He came into my shop say a year and half ago after not being there a long time.  He brought his girlfriend and .. his new baby.  He still bought some music but said he had to pay attention to the needs of others and had to stay on a budget.  Understandable.  

Then I met him on the metro yesterday from the day of this writing and in the trip of four metro stops he gave me his update, though it might not be 100 per cent correct as I couldn't always hear it properly on the metro with the noise, but here it is:

His wife or girlfriend (don't know if they got married), "left him" several months after their baby was born, I would guess after the child was more than six months.  She didn't take the baby with her and she didn't exactly leave him and the baby, she just went back home or stayed at other people s houses and not with him or the baby. She was probably partying.  So it seemed.  My friend was taking care of the baby, but still I think he said that the Government said that if she didn't shape up some, they might have to take the baby away from both of them.  

She returned to them.  Left them again for a couple weeks.  Then came back.  She wanted to stay and be a good Mother.  But she would have a date to go out and promise to be back at 10 pm and come home at 4.30 am.  

She doesn't have a job.  I would gather they are getting some State support.  But if she leaves him for good with the baby, she has to pay child support to him.   

The Father, my friend, has a job.  He is a personal caretaker.  I met him on Saturday morning at 11am and he said he was getting off work just then.  He was probably at work taking care of an elderly person from 6am, helping them with their shower and clothes, getting their breakfast ready and served and maybe setting them up with anything for the rest of the afternoon.  He would probably go back in the late afternoon, make supper and maybe prepare the person for bed or at least the evening.  He might have to stay there till they went to sleep or beyond.  He worked on Sundays too. 

The Mother was actually at home taking care of the baby.  She was back with them at this time.  But whether she would be back forever or leave again was a question.  

He couldn't get help from his girlfriends Mother as that Mother didn't like him and did not accept the situation, so I understood.  It seems like the girlfriend was kind of estranged from her Mother also.  So there was no support from that Grandma.  Which, OK, we cant always expect our Grandparents to take care of things.  They are older, maybe not capable anymore of lending help.  But....I don't know.  

My friend said, his girlfriend needed to be out and get out. He said he understood it and was cool with it.  It seems she was younger and not ready for the responsibility, or just immature. 

So he is de facto the single parent both taking care of the baby and having a job. He didn't know when the Mother would be in or out.  Maybe mostly at night she was out.  However, she might just pick up and leave again totally.   He was OK with that.  He wasn't complaining, he was just giving me the update.  But it was a tough story. I realize there are many many single Mothers, many more than single men, who do this,  but it doesn't matter. It is a tough situation.  He was STILL keeping a very positive outlook.  

I felt devastated for him.  More so, I felt devastated for the baby.  I told him, "Man, you know you got to stay strong.  You got to stay there for your baby, because the baby needs parents.  It needs the warmth, it needs the hugs.  You`ve got to stay strong for your baby, Man"  Sh... I felt like crying over the situation.  If the Mother leaves again and he falls apart, then the baby has nobody.  And that, that is too too much.  One more baby, one more Being brought into this world who wont get the love who wont get the nourishment they desperately need.   And how will that effect them growing up?  What will they grow up into?  

We rounded the corner outside the metro and were going in different directions.  I said, "Stay strong, my friend, you are doing great work.  It is no problem to be a Father and be taking care of a baby these days, it is not strange.  So stay strong.  You've got to,"  I told him as we parted, "I am with you," and put my hand on my heart, but really that doesn't help him physically if he cant handle it and starts to fall apart, it wont mean much to him.  I wish it would.  I think he is a strong enough individual that he can keep it together and give his baby a lot, not all, but a lot, of what it needs.  It does need two parents, but that isn't certain it will happen.  

For what its worth, I hope the strength of God is with him.  And to all you single parents out there,  you've got to stay even stronger over the holiday season.  Look, you may not be able to give your kids everything, but what you do give them is great and giving them love and nourishment is probably the best.   

Stay strong.  
Respect.