Dads Depression I : Dads can be hurt by kids too.

There is a lot of talk at Dad conferences about the depression of Dads.  There are statistics about it. Maybe I should find some too.  I understand it all too well.

Look folks,  without having a doctorate in psychology, I can tell you with a great degree of certainty that people need to feel good about themselves.  They need to feel good about their work and what they are doing.  Perhaps some people need to feel they are contributing something to life, to society,  or at least to their family if they have one.  When you don't have that feeling of contribution, then  depression can develop.  Of course depression can be caused by other variables, but lets stick with this reason for now.

The problem is that many societies or communities still do not recognize dads as a main caretaker of kids.  I think even in the US stay at home dads are still considered a niche, an anomaly.  Dads should be working.

So when you are a stay at home Dad, your view of yourself must be very very strong to resist this mud that is thrown at you by society.  You are not doing something worthwhile they say.  When are you going to go out and get a job?  Be a real male and go and fix my car or something manly.

I can understand this attack quite well.  To some extent though it can be magnified within ourselves. In other words, perhaps the community is not saying this, but you hear it in yourself.  Your SELF is saying it to you on its own.

The irony of it all is that in many cases stay at home fathers are doing even better work than what they might be doing out in the community.  I can think of many jobs, but will not list them, where taking care of kids is more worthwhile than the jobs we get paid for and spend our time on.  When we all learn that taking care of kids, bringing them up with strong, good values and teaching them the difference between right and wrong is important and can be done by either parent then we will be progressing.  But it should be done by some parent!  Then we will have a stronger community and, yes, I kid you not, but many crimes will decrease.  I would say that is worth quite a bit!  And for what ever reason, if Mommy can`t be the caretaker, then it really shouldn't matter if daddy will teach and be there for children. 

But

After that lengthy introduction, what I wanted to talk about is the pain you can feel as a father when your kids reject you.

Now I am not saying they throw you out from the apartment, they don't want you, but they are just sort of not nice and hurt your feelings.

Like this.

My 9 year old  daughter called for me around 2.25am as she often does when she has a bad dream.  I heard her right away from the parents room and came to their kids room because I sleep like a deer.   She always calls for daddy because she knows I will come to her.  I hold her hand until she falls back to sleep, trying to hold my bathroom needs also which always come if I get up in the middle of the night.  If I am lucky she falls back asleep quickly and then hopefully I fall back to sleep quickly.  If not, I am awake for an hour.

But then, that morning, I came to wake her up at 7am and she said with a wicked sneer, "I want Mommy".  That hurt.

This last week my wife went to the theatre and I got home a little after she left.  They closed the front door on me, and said, "wait, wait don't come in yet".  Well that gets me a bit angry because usually they are closing their game they are playing on their phone and don't want me to see.  But then this time it was even more.  It was, "daddy, don't come into our room, go away."  Mind you they aren`t teenagers.  Teenagers might get away with saying that, but 6 and 9 year olds should not say that.  I went away cursing a bit louder than I should have.  Yes it made me angry.

Then ten minutes later my daughter came into the kitchen and said, the reason we didn't want you in our room was we were trying to fix the computer.  But we couldn't, so could you fix it?

Naturally enough I exploded and said in a rather loud manner, "oh, when you don't want me you tell me to go away, but when you need me then you come to me and say we need you, right after telling me to go away.  Well look, I have feelings too, I hurt too, and it hurts when you tell me to go away.  Whatever the reason."

That might have gotten to them. It got to me.  My younger daughter came in and said, I don't want to hurt your feelings daddy.  Do you want to play Go Fish? (a card game).

Yes.

Yes, daddies have feelings too and we can feel hurt.  I guess we are supposed to bite our lip and let it go. But isn't that what boys growing into men are taught?  Take it like a man.  Boys don't cry was the name of a Cure song.  Now is that natural? I ask myself? Whats up with that??  I just read an article in the NY Times today in which the subheading was something like, girls have more paths but boys have just one.  A friend of mine is able to brush it off like water on a duck, but sometimes for me, it doesn't work. I have feelings which can be hurt, just as kids do.  How else can you let them know that you hurt except by telling them?

Depression in dads can come from many directions.  It can come from society.  It can come from ourselves.  It can come directly from the actions of our kids.  Are we strong enough to just brush it off?  Sometimes.  Many times, no.  What to do when it strikes should be the topic of concern for all us stay at home dads who love our children.  For we  also have to love ourselves, or at least feel good about ourselves.