Daddy back to Zero (well maybe 5-10)

The travel back was rather not as nice.  It is depressing and long.  This is a double meaning for my trip with my daughters back to our winter home and my travel back to not being a full time Dad.  Both are depressing. I guess a lot of males are not meant to be, are not good at being fathers.  Many are not good at being husbands even.  I have wanted to be both for better or worse.  I always try my best.  But you know, even if you are a huge poet star, like for instance Bob Dylan, you have your low periods. Very low.  Same for this wanna be dad and husband. 

  I dont recall my reasoning now, but 5 hours waiting at JFK airport was rather difficult.  All I know is there were metrics making me book that way.   

At any rate, I could feel my numbers flying down the drain, or staying on the old

land as I flew off overseas once again.  As I surely mentioned at the beginning of these travels, I like to have this time with my daughters and do it myself and plan it my way mostly, or not plan it at all. 

There was one part of the trip where the plane shook for over half an hour VERY violently.  I held on to the arms of the seat and repeatedly said "oh Jesus".  My daughters kind of laughed at me.  But I have no trouble saying I was terrified.  When we landed I asked the pilot about it and he said with a smile on his face that at that spot it was very difficult finding a level in which the plane would not be rocking.  It was as if he had no trouble with it.  I dont know why, but I felt my credibility get stabbed with a leak and my air went out.   Maybe being a dad is holding still, not panicking and being a pillar, and not a pillar of salt.  I was not. 

My fatherly position developed a leak and then was flatted like a tire.  

Mommy took back over her position and my position again became secondary. 

Well, we have it set up like this but in fact Mommy took both my daughters on her little vacation and I was left to work steady with no stopping.  We have always done that, it is given, its ok.  But... its not ok.  

My Daddy at home at least 40 per cent shrank to, well to zero I guess.  I was taking care of nobody except my self and my business.  My daughters were gone to Denmark or to the woods in central Europe and I was left to take care of tourists and to provide them with excellent music of their choice.  Yes, I do that and I am happy with that.  But... I would like it both ways.  

For the next three months my business came first and my family.. well sometimes first and sometimes second admittedly.   My daugthers went back to school in September. My younger daughter entered a new school.  My older daughter continued in the same school hopefully learning even more.  And I worked hard at a turnaround in a very difficult work environment and a big challenge.  

Its times like these that I refer back to my writing on Owl in "upstairs and downstairs" where Owl is upstairs and he wonders what is happening downstairs so he runs downstairs but then wonders what is happening upstairs.  Etc.  

On the other hand, I had a month of 100 per cent, now I have, well, three months at close to zero.  Maybe it evens out.  Maybe it is meant to be like that.   

Those couple Sundays that I played ping pong in the park with my younger daughter were very enjoyable.  And I think I went to a movie once with my older daughter, though that might have been last spring already.  The whole family went to see Thor "love and ...." whatever that one was, in the movie theatre.  That was also nice.  So its not like I am that father in that Cat Stevens song, "cats in the cradle", i am home and I see my kids every day for several hours and sometimes we get out.  

Still, the 100 per cent of summer is much nicer than the 10 per cent of Fall.  Bob Dylan still put out albums when he was at 10 per cent.    

I didnt listent to any music while writing this but my older daughter was playing

me a lot of new school gangster hip hop.  King Von, Playboy Cardi, something nindo or other.  And of course Kamal Lemar? no  Lemar Kendricks?  No, Kemal Hendrix?  Sorry Kendrick Lemar.  Another story on this sometime soon.  

Thanks for reading and I apologize if it is not the best writing this time or anytime.  Still, I hope you get something out of it.  But mainly I am writing for myself.  But thanks for reading all the same. If you did take something from it to use in your own writing, could I ask you politely to consider naming me in the quote or even footnoting me?  Many thanks.   

I was listening to this album while rewriting. I didnt like it so much. But maybe more listens are necessary. I just got for sale "time out of mind" "freewheeling" "shot of love" so I feel I can put up an album I have not bought yet.  Still, I think it is not one of his best, but I dont like back up women singers, so maybe that is my thing.